Knowing the right thing to do...

Olivia is playing in the other room. Well, "cleaning up", but it is hard to clean up toys and not play with them. And one toy leads to the next and then playing is more of a priority than cleaning. When you are six, priorities differ. It is important to remind myself of these priorities when I can. Who cares if it is taking time to clean up the living room? Who cares that she is happy and busy right now and not worried about putting all the right things in all the right places?

 Julian is off at MTSU. I do not hear from him often. Anxiety comes and goes as I worry about what he is doing and how he is doing. I know he is so excited about joining Sigma Chi. He is enjoying the freedom. But I am concerned that  his classes, responsibilities, and opportunities  are all being negatively affected by his new social life. I am learning to let go. I am trying to learn to let him play while he can as long as he remembers that he will have to eventually put all the right things in all the right places.

Meanwhile, I sit in a world of my own where everything is neatly in its place. I stay here because the rest of it seems chaotic. I wait for it to come together so I, too, can enjoy myself. Meanwhile, I clean around me and organize around me and wait for my children to step into my space and share some time with me. I cannot join them without interfering. The disorder, the play before work, causes me so much anxiety. So, I sit in my own world, avoiding, not knowing the right thing to do.

The weekend before we say "goodbye"...

So, this is the last Saturday Julian has at home before he leaves for college. Anticipating this day, I thought I would be sad, devastated actually, but as the day approached I have been ok. Some days, honestly, I was even thankful the day was close at hand. But today, I don't know why, the tears have caught me by surprise and have been flowing unexpectedly on and off all day! At one point I was weeping so deeply that it physically pained me. My heart was aching.

I know I am an emotional person. I cry more easily than most and I hurt for others, as well as myself, with little provocation. Granddaddy says I wear my heart on my sleeve, with a tone that suggests it is a character flaw. Change is scary for me. Anxiety is a constant state that I have been learning to live in rather than have it live my life for me. And guilt and regret are twins that befriended me a long time ago. I have done much to reduce their place in my life, by confrontation and denial; but they are ever ready to travel my journey with me and work to turn my focus to where I have been instead of where I am going. So all of these parts of me are in full force today, shadowing the joy and excitement, the hope and the pride that I also feel existing in this last weekend before we say "goodbye."


I have said "goodbye" many times in my life. Sometimes so I could journey on and sometimes because I could not go where someone else was headed. I am never good at "goodbye." The reality being that every second passing is a goodbye to the one before, and no one has a clue what the next one holds. Yet, times like this give me the desire to come up with the right words, the right actions, the creation of the moment that will embody all that has passed and all that I hope will come. And yet, there is no way. Not for times like this... How do I tell you that you saved my life? How can I tell you that I have never been happier than the times you were happy, and never been more sad than the times you were not? Every decision of consequence in my adult life has included you. Despite knowing that it is a burden no child should have to bear, you have been my everything. And now, you are leaving and though this was the goal, the point of it all, the desired outcome... I would start all over from the very first day and do every single day again with you if that opportunity was available. I made so many mistakes. I didn't know better. And even when I did, I didn't always realize until after the time passed that I would regret my actions or words or both. All I can do is hope that the good outweighed the bad and the future looks back on your childhood kindly. Eloquence is fleeting. Avoidance of these feelings is a stronger desire than delving in to all that is churning inside me right now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe when this transition becomes the norm... Someday I will tell you what I always planned to say as you set out on your own. But today the words are drowning.

The summer slips quietly away...

It's been a quiet summer. We have had more of these lately since traveling home to FL for extended visits has not been on our agenda. We've come a very, very long way since last summer. We were able to enjoy some time at home, accomplish much that has been left undone for too long, and had a chance to just relax. Julian is only a few weeks from his new life as an MTSU Blue Raider. It is really hard to believe this first phase of his life is coming to an end. I love him so much and am so proud of him. It was not always easy, but it could have been so much worse, so many times. I have my regrets, but more than anything I have so much pride that I can say I was the best parent I could be when I had the mind to choose. I changed my life to make his better, and though I did not adjust seamlessly, being a mother became my greatest joy and my highest goal. I am not sure what my place will be in his life moving forward, but I hope I always have a place. I will miss him more than I can imagine today, I am sure. But I am so very excited for him. If he continues to follow his passions and dreams, I trust that he will make a wonderful life for himself. Each person has to make his own way, his own mistakes, but I earnestly pray that Julian will avoid the biggest ones that I made to establish a better foundation for when the storms do arise. Olivia, sweet Olivia, what a challenge and joy you are. Each day I worry as the summer passes that you will not have the same memories that Julian has had. Julian can look back to time with my mom, who had endless patience with him. Julian and I would spend summers in Florida living a life of luxury courtesy of aunts and uncles and my dad and step-mom. I know it is no one's fault that we no longer have the close relationships that provide those opportunities. Time passes, I have stayed away so long, it is just a result of choices that have added up to us being in TN. I feel like I have already lived a life with Julian and as that life changes, my new life with you is just beginning. It will be so different, without my mom or my family around, but it will be ok. I will make a life for us that keeps us happy. I have to start over, again, and make wiser choices. I have to see the big picture and know that this your first time around. You cannot be shaped by the past, for better or worse. There are just some things you may never know. I just have to learn how to do it on my own. I may be married and from a big family and in an area where people are around, but ultimately it is the two of us. I didn't plan it this way, but this is what it is. And I am ok with this. It is a new chance to live the life I have most loved again -- being a mom. I just have to learn to plan and provide for opportunities for us to make our memories -- wherever that may be. Things are not the same the second time around. Brad is driving across country. His desire to provide financially for us has literally taken him on a trip far away from us for extended periods of time. Right now, we see him monthly for a few days at a time. Unfortunately, the promises made to him with this job have just not come true. As time passes, we are learning to settle into this new life. It is chaotic right now. I have no idea what the next week or the next month hold. But I know we keep making it one day at a time. And this journey is so exhausting and so stressful that sometimes I am not loving the trucker's family life. But, I still love the trucker, despite the difficulties. I just want to believe that times will get easier. If I keep making small steps in the right direction and do not give up, eventually I will get to where we need to be. When all our needs are met, I can begin to do something about planning and providing for our futures. It is hard to think in terms of family right now as mine is scattered everywhere but here. But I chose to believe that for whatever reason I have been given the family I have, it is mine for a reason. And I will do the best I can with the situation I have lived myself in to. Ten days until school begins. Ten days until we jump on the train that will deliver me to my 12th year of teaching, Olivia to her year of first grade, and Julian to his freshmen year of college. The momentum grows as we rumble through the next 10 months... school starting, birthdays, holidays, good days, bad days, mini-breaks, that will all take us on our separates tracks until next year when we all come back together again, different, changed, but renewed because there will always be a home for us to return to and a family unit to which we belong. Meanwhile, the summer slips quietly away...

Time Frames

The middle of summer break before Olivia goes too first grade and Julian goes to college at MTSU. It is hard to imagine the firsts and lasts that are happening right under my nose. As much as I try to be conscious of the day to day events in our lives, it seems the more I try to "capture" the moments, they elude me. Like trying to hold tightly to a handful of water...

I see Olivia growing and changing and wonder what will happen next. As she begins this next year of school, I know we have to be aware of potential. We have to learn how she learns and I have to learn how to teach her. Looking for the ability within both of us and trusting that those who know more than I do will listen to us, to her, and provide guidance. If her brain does not process input typically, we have to learn about atypical processing. When I tried to wait and see what school would bring to her, I was not surprised that her teacher mentioned some concerns. What I expected and what we found was hard to wrap my mind around. I feel like I opened Pandora's box with the honest intentions of not making the same mistakes twice. I am thankful to know that I am in tune enough with her to know there is some concern. I am sad that there was any validity to my fear. And I am afraid of the future...even the good news can be a challenge.

We have to learn to make a team with whomever is willing to be in our lives to help. And I know we need to begin weeding out those that refuse to be part of the solutions to avoid future problems. I know this may not be the easiest transition for us, but, I do believe this is a crossroads we must face. I have already met so much resistance and very few even know what is really going on. I have to address this head on with some of the people in our lives and explain. There is time for acceptance and time for understanding, but there is no time for denial or dismissiveness. I fear losing close friends over this, but I am really hoping that will not be the case. I am positive, no matter what, that we will end up exactly where we are supposed to be surrounded by the people we need.

I guess change will be the theme for the next few months. Julian will be leaving August 22 to begin a new life. The emotion that wells up even while typing those words is overwhelming. It is not just sadness, though it is some of that. It is also excitement, fear, pride, and anticipation of both the good and the bad. Julian has been my reason for absolutely everything I have done since 1995. He has been the foremost priority in ever decision, every move, every justification for all I have done, right and wrong. What will I do without my other half around? I do not remember life before my son. And as much as I thought that another child would ease the discomfort of this time, I have learned one child could never replace, or take the place, of another. Julian will always be the first person that I was able to love without fear of losing. I know he will probably never come back to Union City to live. I hope his education opens doors to a career in his passion. I hope that he goes wherever that passion leads him. And though I cannot follow him on this journey, I do believe he will always take us where he goes. Things will never be the same after this summer. But I have to trust that this is his path and I have prepared him to the very best of my ability. I think I've done a good job. He had a great start with my mom, and though I never was able to create the "perfect" family for him, I gave him all I could. I hope he benefitted from my good choices and learned from the bad ones. I believe with all my heart that his life will be more successful than even the dreams I have for him.

And me... I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that I will be here until next summer. I love my job and I hope my school system lives up to my ideals and provides for the needs of my daughter. They will only have a year to prove they are willing, there is only so much time I can sacrifice in her education. Brad and I have a lot of work to do in the next eleven months. We have a time frame and a goal. Healthy and Happy. I hope that I can work on other aspects of my life to make this new life one that will benefit everyone.

A year is a long time...

A year ago today I was getting ready to take Olivia and chaperone our cheerleaders as we traveled to the first of three games towards the state tournament. As I was going to bed that night, the next day was going to be exciting and fun.

By the next morning my entire world changed. I just mis-stepped. I was moving too fast and lost my balance and fell. People fall all the time and they get right back up. I just fell. And then I realized that my leg was not really facing the right way. I was embarrassed and  people came over and started asking if I was ok, I just wanted to get up. So I tried. I put all my weight on my left knee to get up, and then I heard that sound that haunts me to this day. It was a crushing sound. Immediately I knew there was a problem. But at that point it was all surreal. People were swarming and asking me question, I was looking for someone to watch Olivia, I kept having to tell that officer my name, over and over again. As they carried me down the gymnasium steps to a gurney on the court, I was just so worried the players would see me and get distracted. And then I was taken to an ambulance. What?!? How in world did it become this big of a deal? I just fell. And they told me on the ambulance that they would straighten my leg at the hospital. So I did it, rather than dread it. I couldn't feel anything. It didn't even hurt. No big deal, right?!? I just needed an X-ray. It was dislocated, right? I tore a tendon??? no. I broke my kneecap (patella, I learned) in half, then shattered the bottom quarter (so that was the crushing sound) and tore away the patella tendon. I heard ACL, MCL.. everything was damaged, bruised, just not right. And so it began...

I could write a novel about the next 365 days... that is nothing anyone would want to read. Suffice it to say, it was horrible.

After a year, I look back and can see how this moment at the game has changed everything. Absolutely everything. There is not one area of my life that was not affected. And even with a year of perspective, I cannot see where anything good has come out of it. I am a different person now in so many ways and I cannot say any of it has made me better.

I spent days, weeks, months, lying around thinking there was something to learn from this. The lesson of gratitude, allowing others to help me, how important my health is, how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life... but I am anything but grateful, people get tired of helping, my health is hard to be excited about when I still cannot walk correctly or depend on my leg for strength or balance, and the people in my life as kind and well-intentioned as they may be) have no idea at all how big of a deal his STILL is to me.

I am not healed, mentally or physically, from this accident. I am damaged, depressed, and defeated. and I feel guilty that this anniversary is anything but something to celebrate. And I started to blog about it to purge these feelings and reassess my point of view, but I can't. I am not ready. I do not want to deal with any of this. I am angry and upset, still. A year is a long time... but not long enough...

New Year's Eve 2013

So, it's all about new beginnings, right? The picture above is one of my favorite new beginnings of all time. My new daughter and a son who would never have to be alone. I realized when my mom was dying that being an only child would be so difficult. Even though my family offered support in some non-traditional ways, they were still there. I realized that Julian would not have anyone when those days come. And for many reasons, that made me sad. I wanted Julian to have someone as a constant, besides me, in his life. I regret the age difference. It is very hard to bond with someone 11 years younger, especially at this point in their lives. So often I see Olivia crave Julian's attention and Julian just pushes her away. She is inconvenient now. I get it. I was always inconvenient growing up. Well, mostly always. No one ever wanted to "play" with me. They were busy. But as we have gotten older, they are not too busy for me anymore. And one day, Julian will make time for Olivia. I believe this.

2013 has been a great challenge. I get sad when I think about the stress that these two kids have had to endure. Julian is aware, and that is hard. Olivia thinks life is just this way, and that is probably harder. I don't want to dwell on 2013 and all that happened, but I will say, I am pretty certain 2014 will not be a repeat. :) It sounds cliche but we really have no where to go but up.

Brad just passed truck driving school. In about three weeks we hope he will start driving for a living. It will change life here at home in good and not so good ways. But we are looking for the best way to improve our finances and reduce our stress. This seems like a very possible option. If I am in prayer for anything right now it is that this route works to a better year and beyond.

We had a new Christmas tradition this year. We opened gifts Christmas Eve and just had Santa before we went to Brad's family's house. It was really nice. It was slow and relaxed. You guys received much more than I realized. And I know I bought more than I needed to. But after so much lack, I needed to give. I have little regret. Times are tough, but our Christmas will not be the reason.

I opened birthday gifts yesterday. I don't usually receive gifts on my birthday. It was nice. Not because of the stuff, but because I felt important. Some years I have felt "forgotten", to be honest. I have always hated my birthday being Dec. 31. presents for Christmas and my birthday, birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper, christmas cards with "PS Happy Birthday." But yesterday was nice. And if I had to celebrate a day early to make it happen, well, I guess that is a concession I am willing to make.

This year will be different. Julian is graduating and heading off to college. Wow. I have no idea what life without him at home will be like. I just hope it begins a journey he truly loves.

Anyway... just a quick note to say, "Here's to new beginnings!" 2014 should bring many. I hope and pray they are good for us all.

Christmas is 10 days away. It has been a different holiday season for us. Most of the decorations are still in the attic, though Julian went a picked a gorgeous tree to decorate. Out image of a tree wrapped in bows and ribbons turned out to be less than that in real life. there have been no church services. I didn't go ring the bell for Salvation Army. Brad has been at driving school for two weeks now, one more to go. No Cantata with the grandparents as your Grandma Daryl was sick. You guys didn't even ask for your elves this year. There will be gifts under the tree. Somehow, we always manage. And there have been nights at home to watch movies (even though we could only all gather for Emmit Otter one evening) but tv shows on Netfix have kept our attention even more. The CD's in the car have not been the choice while driving. It just doesn't seem like Christmas much but things are more relaxed than usual and for that I am grateful. I don't really know what I want to establish as traditions.

Parallel Universes

As I sit here this Sunday evening I wonder how time can creep by so slowly and then I look up and realize that I have no idea where the time has gone. It is one of those late Fall nights when at 5:18 everyone in this house is ready for bed. It is dark outside and in the 20's and there seems nothing to do but crawl up in the covers and wait for the dawning of a new day. Today has been so long. Time has moved so slowly as I have muddled through one small project after the next. My to-do list has become monstrous in the past few weeks when just getting through the day seemed like a huge accomplishment. Today I had to make some headway, so I marked off the little items one by one, hoping to see progress... hoping to build momentum. and though it is only after 5, I know I am almost done for the day. I have lost whatever drive was there to see straight lines crossed through responsibilities. I feel like the autumn rhythm has begun to creep into my being and slow me down. But my outside life does not seem to see the place in the cycle we are in. Inside I fight for the energy to keep up.

Rhythms... seems so simple. Structure, patterns, schedules. We thrive on routine, Olivia and I. And lately we have had no routine and we are both paying the price. Olivia is teary eyed over dinner. She is tired. She wants my attention and affection. She wants books and bed. Poor sweet baby. It is hard to drag yourself through days that drag along. We have done nothing exciting this weekend. Mommy paid bills and cleaned the big bathroom, worked on college information for Julian and then classwork that needed to be done by tomorrow. I know you do not understand why I have chosen to sit at this computer so much today. If you only knew that these papers surrounding me are: essays and tests, memoirs and analysis. The work of my students sits piled in stacks waiting for my attention, my thoughts, my input, my appreciation, just like you. Pulled...

We have had something to do almost every day the last few weeks. Daddy's going and coming back threw us all in a tizzy and stressed filled the air as he tried desperately to quickly find the right solution to the job problems that swirled around him like the wind in the leaves. Everything was tumbling down and piling up around us... debt, worry, resentment, anger, sadness. Daddy tried the best he could to find the right fix while I tried to keep on a straight path and keep marching on.

Well, it is almost a sign of how crazy things have been that I am just now remembering to mention your birthday on Tuesday. You turned 6! (Boy, I am all over the place with point-of-view in this essay.)Last weekend you had a party at your Grandma and Peepaws and then at Aunt Sheila's and Uncle Todd's. Tuesday I joined you in your classroom for cupcakes and then after ballet we celebrated at the Mexican restaurant. Everything was going fine, until they wiped whipped cream on your face as they sang to you in Spanish and placed a sombrero on your head. The whipped cream was an unpleasant surprise, to say the least. The whole celebration seemed to stumble downhill after that. It is amazing that one small inconsiderate act throws you so off kilter. You are my little me, for better and worse. I can only pray you see past those moments of gray to focus on the sunshine behind. It will take work. Maybe I will learn along with you. Maybe I will model the behavior that will make your life easier than mine, and in the process my life will be easier. Maybe...

We saw an audiologist Wednesday. We are beginning the process of having you evaluated for ADD baby girl. I have no doubt you have focusing issues. Tonight we were trying to make your letter to Santa and you could not think of anything besides a balloon, meeting Santa, and a cardboard castle like the one we threw away last year, and that was like pulling teeth. You finally gave up and decided you would rather do that another time. Meanwhile you fidgeted and moved and whew... it was tough! But anyway (maybe I should be tested, too) the audiologist said you had a little bit of lower frequency hearing loss, but she believed it was due to the allergies you have been fighting and your sinuses and ears being at odds. She prescribed a nasal spray and allergy meds and made an appointment for six weeks out. But meanwhile, as you were spinning around and around on your stomach on her stool, she did say she would still pursue ADD testing.

And then this week you have tried to get in a much Daddy time as we could find since I knew he would be leaving for truck driving school this evening. He left without tears and sadness this time. It isn't to Utah, it is only halfway to Memphis. We will see him on Thanksgiving. he will probably be here for Christmas. And it will be a few weeks before he makes the 6-week trek that will complete his training and begin his new career. I know we will miss him. I also know we will make it until he returns. We need him to make this sacrifice to improve our financial situation, thus we need to make the sacrifice of having him away. Who knows what will happen. I have no idea what to expect, so I just breathe and try to slow down... And it comes full-circle to the universe outside us that needs me running and keeping up and the universe inside our family that needs me here, present, now.

I think about this week ahead... tomorrow after running errands, we meet the ADD evaluator and begin the interview process with him. We have to go to Jackson for that, so while we are there, we will go with Julian and hope to find the rest of his outfit for Winter Formal. Tuesday you have a haircut appointment. Wednesday I see Mrs. Marilyn and hopefully get more of this house cleaned so we can put up a tree on Friday, after two Thanksgiving festivities on Thursday. Then, as we settle slowly into the Christmas season, I pray that the outside Universe will slow down to meet our needs.

And now, speaking of Julian... there are no words for how much I love him and how proud I am of him. We visited MTSU and he loved the campus and the Recording Industry -- Audio Programming studios and professor. When I think about his future and the chance he has at following his passion into a career that he loves... I get so excited for him. I wonder if he has any idea that he is on the cusp of his next life. The life after high school, but before family. The life where he can find and be himself and change and adapt and learn and grow and then settle into the existence that will comfort him. He has done it all right up until now. The stars are aligned for his future to shine. I get such a warmth when I think of all that he can aspire to be. He just needs to hold on. He just needs to realize that his universe is going to demand him to run and keep up and he will have to learn to slow down and focus on what is important. As he has worked so very hard this weekend to bring order to his living space, I hope he finds some peace in his surroundings. And then I hope he finds some peace in his soul. And then I hope he dwells in that place as he meets his daily responsibilities.

How do we learn to survive in parallel universes? How do we meet the demands of all those outside of ourselves and still have something left to give to the ones that matter most? How do we learn to save any for ourselves, or when putting ourselves first not drink from a thirst so denied that we do not even leave the dregs?

I love you both.

Everything Changes

I started this blog a year ago. It was an autumn day when I decided that keeping track of our doings as a family would be a priceless memento somewhere down the line. I'm not sure if that theory holds true. I wonder if either of you will ever reads the words that I write. I doubt it. But I write anyway, with the hope that maybe, one day, this legacy of words will find its way to you and you each will know that this journey we have been on has been quite an enlightening ride.

Things right now are tumultuous. I wish I could say that in a year life has come together and all things are in their place. Instead it seems like the basket of life has tipped over and the contents spread far and wide and I am just trying to pick up the important piece and move forward.

First to Julian. Oh boy. Your senior year has been so challenging so far. You are like water in my hands. I know without a doubt that the tighter I try to hold on to you, the more you slip away. Trying to keep my hand open (and my mouth shut) has been one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered as a parent. You have let me know that my presence at your band competitions is "irrelevant" to you. You tried to explain it and tell me it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings, and I know you were just giving me the honesty I asked for, but my heart has been broken anyway. I know I sound like a martyr when I say I have done everything I could ever possibly do to be there for you ALWAYS and you don't even appreciate it. But I have and you don't. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I know that teenagers push they parents away... but why such a shove?  A friend of your's mom said, "I think mine like my being here," in a text last night while I waited for social media to tell me how your band did in finals at the Contest of Campions in Murfreesboro. (You guys came in fourth overall... The highest placing from UCHS ever at that competition.) I was so proud of you and so deeply sad about not being there. I feel embarrassed that the parents I have been with for three years now see my absence and I am not welcome anymore. I knew hurting my knee would keep me out of the action this year, but I never thought I would be out of the audience. And I know I could have gone anyway and just ignored your words, but I guess I just don't want to force myself not something you love so much. I love you more than that. If you love band and my presence would even begin to cast a shadow on this experience. You say that I only am hurt by this because I always wanted my parents to come to activities and they didn't, but since I always come to yours, you don't need it. And I don't think n you need it. And I try to be thankful that you are so confident in my pride for you that you don't have to have proof. But what you don't understand is that just as I felt rejected as a child when no one wanted to come, I feel rejected as an adult when you don't want me there. I also don't understand how you could be so hurtful with your words. There were only two competitions left. Could you not have just seen my good intentions and let it be? Instead, there is only one competition and senior night... I really do not want to go to either. I don't feel like I am really wanted there and when I feel so out of place, I want to avoid that situation. I understand my own mother so much better now. I thought she was cruel for not having a relationship with my sailings, but now I realize how deep the hurt of rejection from a child can be and how it feels like self-preservation to try to avoid that feeling. I do not want these wounds to become scars, but I am having a really hard time with this. I'm not sure how our relationship will be from here. Awkward and uncomfortable right now. I look forward to you going away to school to just have space between us. It's not that I do not love you, it is possibly that I love you too much.

And then Miss Olivia... You were Top Tornado this quarter at school! That means yo were one of the three best behaved students in your class. That was very exciting and even more exciting when you saw me sitting there after you accepted your award. You got so excited and beamed when you saw me. God knew what he was doing when he gave me another child. I knew I could not be finished being a parent when Julian graduated. I knew I needed you long before I knew how much. But things are not all cheery for you. School is presenting some challenges for you. You asked your teacher to please move you to the "time out" chair on Friday so you could sit by yourself. Though you are friendly and have learned to be very social, you already recognize how distracted you become not only when others talk to you, but even when you are just in close proximity to others when you are trying to work. You said it is "kinda sad and kinda lonely" to sit where you are, but it makes your work so much easier. You say the other kids get finished before you because you get so distracted, but now you will be able to get done. You want to do your best work. You are SO smart. I just hope we can address this focusing problem before it becomes any issue or stigma for you. I pray that our doctor will believe you that there is a problem and not just think I am creating one. I know there is such a controversy to medicating children your age. I feel strongly that you are a candidate. And if it doesn't work, fine. But I don't want to keep going the way things are. And then a note about our family in general. We have never been just rolling in money, but times have been particularly difficult ever since I hurt my knee. Long story short, your(step)dad has decided to take a job in over the road trucking. The financial payoff could be wonderful, but the price it may have to our family or each of us individually may be steep. I don't even know what to think yet. He told me yesterday that this was his decision and he is leaving this Friday. Upheaval seems to be the trend right now. So through it all, I love you both and I strive every day to do whatever it takes to make your lives easier and happier. No parent is perfect and I am learning more and more what a difficult job it can be. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I sure wish I could see how this is all going to work out. Meanwhile, I am steadying my basket and putting things in one at a time... I guess it is a type of harvesting of my own. I have planted seeds, some years and years ago, and now I am seeing the fruit of my labor. How interesting to ponder this on an overcast autumn day.

Autumn's Approach

It is hard to focus on the passage of time. It is so overwhelming to me. You guys do so much during each day to make memories, add joy, encourage reflection. It seems I cannot stay in the moment long enough to really absorb how powerful it all is. I am constantly plagued by the idea that I am not present enough. That I should be noticing and noting and preserving all that you say and do, because I know I will forget. You will forget. And in the moments that life does not make sense and I feel like I am failing, I want to be able to pull out a picture or a note and remember the time you...

Julian, you are leaving for college this time next year. It is a full year away, but I am faced with lasts all around me. Sometimes it seems you have already started making your exit. It hurts me to know you don't eat dinner with us anymore, and may never again. It bothers me that family plans are made without even trying to include you, because of course you do not want to participate. I am happy your liife is full and that you seem more ready than ever to move on, but sometimes I cannot help but feel sad that I will be left behind. It is as itr should be. I know this. But I wish I had a few of those moments back. A few more pictures. I wish I had wrote it all down. So when I think back, like now, it would not be with tears at all that has gone by but with happyu memories and the knowledge that more will come.


Olivia, you are the happiest little girl sometimes. You come in so full of energy every single day from kindergarten. You dance and sing. ("The Cup Song" Oh my goodness. I wonder if you will ever remeber the song that had you banging every cup you could get your hands on to a rythym that you heard over and over again on YouTube.) Then there are the times that you say you are having a "darn it" day. Those times when something small has set you spiraling and there seems to be no way to get you turned back around. I worry sometimes that you will see the glass half empty. I also notice that you seem to get only fleeting satisfaction from things. A new movie or toy, an outing, as soon as the newness wears off you are ready for the next thing, event, experience. Maybe this only underlines the need to slow down and focus on the present.

So how do I teach you both to cherish the moments? How do I make sure you are aware of how important each day you have is, each minute of the day?

Little, meaningful moments

Our second full day of school. All three of us were so tired yesterday. I wa anxious to drop Olivia off the first day of kindergarten. I wanted it to be smooth and free of anxiety. I didn't want to cry. She's got this. I know she does. She is so smart and so full of personality. I know she will be ok. I just want to be present with her. I don't want to rush to the next stage or fear the transitions. I just want to be still and present and enjoy the time. Like you telling me this morning that what used to be sitting Indian style (or criss-cross applesauce in pre-school) is "put your spoons in your bowls" in Mrs. Davis's class. And when you walk into the hall, where Julian used to say "my hands are by my side, I'm standing straight and tall, I'm quietly looking straight ahead, I'm ready for the hall" is now "duck tails" and "bubbles". Little moments. Your Daddy slipping flowers in your room last night to congratulate you on your first day of school... little, meaningful moments.

I know they say it goes so fast but I had no idea until I woke up and walk out the door this morning without seeing Julian. I knew he was up. I had heard him in the shower. But I didn't say "good morning" or "have a good day" or "love you". I tried not to be sad. I mean really, is it that big of a deal? no. It's not. But it is one of those "little, meaningful moments" that seem all the more important now. I was so happy that Julian walked into my class this morning for no real reason. He was hyper and the center of attention and I could kill him sometimes, but I was just so happy to see him. Again... preparing for the days I have come to take for granted, the years in high school where I saw him every day in the halls and I knew he was here, and it made me happy, that will be filled with a void no matter how many other kids are in that hallway.

First and lasts. Tears held the first day and shed now... all because of those little, meaningful moments. 

Summer ending...

Today is the last day of summer vacation for me. Teachers go back to work on Monday. I always feel sad and excited when this time comes.

I am especially sad this year as I know my summers will never be the same. Julian will graduate this year and Olivia will start kindergarten. I wonder if we will ever have a summer vacation again, as a family. For years we vistied my dad in Florida for a few weeks, but the last two years we did not. Last year we had been on a cruise to Mexico as a family in the Spring and this year, my knee and finances were still on the mend. Looking back, I wish I would have been down anyway. Those years wll be behind us now. I knew this day would come, but I still am not prepared. The future with Julian is so up in the air. Who knows what summer 2014 will hold.

But I am excited. Olivia is so ready for kindergarten in Mrs. Davis's class. And Julian is beginning his bittersweet journey into his senior year. I could not be more proud of both of them. I have smart, opinionated, strong, independent, compasionate, loyal kids. I cannot wait to celebrate this year of firsts and lasts with both of them.

Finally, I am excited for me. I am looking forward to this new year. I had so much time off last year and this summer to reassess what I wanted out of my life an my career. I have heard from so many of my past students who motivate and encourage me and remind me why I chose this profesion. I want to be that teacher again. I want that energy again. I want to make a difference again. I'm ready to put in the time, energy, and love to get back the joy I had my first years of teaching.

And so it begins...

Summer Time and the Living is Easy

Life at our house this summer is just relaxing, well as relaxing as it gets for us. LOL Due to falling and breaking my knee in March, our whole lives have been a bit turned up side down. My ability to mobilize is limited (though getting better all the time) and our finances are almost as restrictive due to all the time I have had off without pay. The result is a "staycation"right here in Union City, TN. And truly, it is boring as anything! But this boredom is forcing us all to sit back and just fill time with cleaning, technology and coloring books, and good old fashioned time on the porch.I think we are all a bit disappointed that things have worked out the way they have, but it is giving me time to think about the future and what I want to put in action for days to come. I just cannot see this being all there is. I want more for me and my kids. I want to see my dad and step-mom, and Laura and the girls, and even my siblings (despite the stress there). I want to be prepared for the bumps to come, so they do not stop us again. I like being able to GO. It may be easier this way, but who wants easy when the other choice is more fun? :)

New Year's Eve 2012

Hallelujah!!! We have made it to 2013. I have made it to 40. The 30s are behind me. I'm not sad, I am excited. I want the next ten years to be the blossoming of all I have learned in these growing seasons. I want to be the role model, mother, woman, and person that make my children proud. Olivia began my day by rewrapping a paper of used stickers in a large box for my birthday gift. I thanked her profusely and then she went and got me a candy cane pen and a plain yellow pencil. Then I got hugs and more kisses and an encouragement to go thank her daddy because he helped her get that together for me. Then she was clingy and right beside me as she realized I would be going on a birthday date with my husband and she would be left at home. She did not understand how I could possibly want to go out with her dad when she was at home. Her wonderful brother watched her for a few hours so Brad and I could go out. Though it is hard right now to cuddle up to a porcupine, I love my son and was so proud of both of them as he bragged on her when we returned. Tonight I love having Ryne over with Julian to ring in 2013. I always wanted a house full of kids and I love when he invites friends over. Olivia, you wanted to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation again as we ordered pizza and spent the night as a family at home tonight. You fell sound asleep before you could even sing happy birthday to me or eat pie. But you did eventually wake up and watch, eat half a piece of pie, and call it quits. My 40th birthday was wonderful. I love my family and the life we live. It hasn't been easy, but it will get easier. 2013 will be better. Quick funny Olivia: you always say you are apricot, not white, due to the crayon you use to color people. Your teacher, Mrs. Dawn, is very tan. You say she is a brown person. So I tried to explain she is white, but just spends time in the sun. And in a very indignant way you say to me, "She celebrates Kwanzaa." Where do you get this stuff? Funny as it is, who write this stuff for you? You crack me up. I thank both of my children and my husband for keeping me laughing. I need them, more than they know. Maybe I can work on telling them more in 2013!

Tis the season...

December is here and time is flying by. Things have been pretty stressful and I have found myself wishing this month away. Money is tight and I am having a hard time remembering it is not about the gifts we are able to give (for me it has never been about receiving). If I could give you kids your every hearts' desire, I would, even knowing it would not be best for you in the long run to always have everything you want. But I just want you to be happy and sometimes the easiest path to that is "stuff". It is the easiest way to make you smile and watch you be excited. I know in my heart that you can be happy without a lot of things... And this year we will just have to put that to the test. It will still be nice and it will still be fun, but it will be small and it will be just us. And we will be free to change traditions if we want to. I am trying to think of the best way for THIS family to celebrate. Do we open gifts at night and sleep in on Christmas? That would be a gift. Maybe open all but what Santa brings before we go to bed and then open just Santa presents in the morning? Would going to Mass on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning be a new tradition to start? Olivia and I can go to church and let the boys sleep and then open Santa when we get home? There is no one to ask. No one else to consider. It is just us and we can do whatever we want. What do we want to do? What will keep stress at bay? I know that I would like to start a tradition of sitting down Christmas night and writing thank-you notes before we go to bed. What better way to end a day than expressing our gratitude for all we have received? So as the holiday comes and plans are being made, I will try to keep in mind that what really matters is that we have time to enjoy each other. That we celebrate our family. That we express our gratitude. When I can keep this focus, the gifts under the tree seem less important. Maybe this is the year to replace THINGS with MEMORIES.

Birthday Party 1

Today we celebrated Olivia's 5th birthday with Brads family at his mom's house. I have been preparing and anticipating this lunch for 13 all week. I'm so thankful for how loving and generous Brad's family can be. They always make it seem that there is no where they would rather be than together. Olivia received wonderful gifts at her party. She loved every single thing she opened. The McKenna doll, Princess and the Popstar Barbies, Sqinkies, and books. What is there NOT to love? She said quietly, as if just to say it whether anyone else could hear or not, "I really wanted this." She was genuinely thankful and absorbed. I was very proud of her. And Julian is such a good big brother. He accommodates her and entertains her. He is sociable with the adults. He is a very easy kid to like. :) In the van, Olivia has taken to listening to an old JoDee Messina CD with the song "You Belong in the Sun" on it. Julian and I smiled listening to her sing at the top of her lungs. I love my kids.

Halloween...

So this is my beautiful Monarch Butterfly

Julian as Dipsy

And Robbie, the headless horseman

How blessed am I to have these kids in my life? Julian, despite his teenage years; Robbie who I wish the word nephew could better describe; and Olivia , who is just non-stop.

I took the day off to celebrate with Olivia at school, we went to vote, we went to Grandma's, we went to Mass, ate dinner and Trunk or Treated. I was exhausted. Olivia was not.

After 30 minutes of giggling and talking I tried to get Olivia to settle down and sleep and she asked if she could climb in my bed and I could scratch her back. Within 3 minutes she was sound asleep.

I remember that comfort. Even after my mom was diagnosed, one night I laid over her footstool and she scratched my back. Neither of us said a word. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't want to say goodbye to her. I didn't know how. So I let her comfort me, because sometimes only a mom can.

I hope I always will answer the requests for a back scratch, a hug, a cuddle, or just a touch. I miss that from my mom. I missed out on many of those moments with Julian, though sometimes he will walk out of his room behind me and touch my hair. I value those moments as priceless today. 

A teenager's tears

Just a few minutes ago I said goodnight to my 16 year old and he had been crying. The emotion I usually see from him is apathy, or frustration... But tonight his high school marching band performed a community exhibition before their last contest of the season this weekend in Jonesboro. For the seniors it may be the last night they march on their home field. For my junior son it is the beginning of "lasts" for his senior friends and I think it may have him thinking that his "lasts" are right around the corner. I cried tonight watching them march because Julian looked so good, the band looked fantastic, and next year it will all be over. Julian has been my world since his birth. I have done all of this with him. And next year he will be planning to go on without me... His tears and mine are the same. And I am so thankful he loves it all enough to grieve the chapter coming to an end...

The best and worst of being Olivia

Today Olivia was going to join our newly formed Children's Choir. She showed up to the first practice and walked in and didn't know a soul. Her preschool is in our church, but of the nine kids in her class, I think only two are Catholic and only Olivia attends at Immaculate Conception. So, I tried to warn her as she walked in that this was not like singing for Chimes for Charity with her class. I told her she probably would not know anyone, and she might be the youngest, but she just wanted to sing... So off we went. And as soon as she saw the bigger kids that were all strangers, and even the littler kids who she had only seen once or twice at Vacation Bible School, she immediately retreated into my side, tears falling, saying, "But I'm shy!" I tried to give her a choice, get up and try it or come back when she was a little bigger. She just stood there sobbing. Finally, I gathered her to leave. She was devastated. "But I'll do it mommy. I promise." I broke her heart bringing her in the house where she went straight to her bed and wailed. I felt so bad for her. So, I dug out the wonderful book Leo the Late Bloomer about a lion who could do all he wanted to do in good time. I explained that she was like Leo and that she would bloom at just the right time. It seemed to make her feel better. She asked to read it again and we did. When we were done we started talking about her very loose tooth. We joked about which one of us would pull it and laughed and played. The next thing you know, she comes running into the kitchen tooth in hand. Eyes smiling, giggles slipping through where that tooth used to be...she had to run first and show her brother.

After showing Aunt Sam and dictating a note that asked for a toy rather than money (to which the Tooth Fairy responded she only had cash, maybe next time) she settled down (kinda)  and was ready for bed. Then she remembered she had to ask the Tooth Fairy to leave the tooth. She would like to make a necklace... Whatever

Tonight I am thankful for the laughter and learning after the tears. I am grateful that no sad moment can trump a preschooler with a tooth in hand.

4 is hard.
14 is hard.
A few months from 40 is hard...

But I know none of this will last forever... The best or the worst

Fall Break is Over...

As I sit here tonight, I want to hold on to every moment of this time. The last few days have reminded me how wonderful being at home with my kids can be. Taking Olivia to and from school is such a blessing. To get those chances to see her run in ready to play and learn and to pick her up and get that bright eyed, light up he room smile because she saw me, ME. How could someone love me so much? Hours on the playground with her friends Jonathan and Jackson and their mom and dad. What a wonderful family to share an afternoon with! She learned to pump her legs on the swings, crack pecans, and jump from one picnic table to another. And best of all, I was there to see it. Anyone who knows me knows I lean "a little" to the liberal side. And I firmly believe every women needs to decide whether to be at home or at work. With Julian I worked so hard. I was willing to sacrifice his early years to get a degree and a good job to spend time with him in his teens. I do not regret a single moment of now with him, but until Olivia, I never knew how much I missed. My mom saw him grow every day. They had such an amazing relationship. She was enthralled by him. There is something about these pre-k years that make every day so new and exciting. It makes me sad to know I missed this time with Julian. It makes me sad to know I am missing so much of this time with Olivia. If I could afford to be at home now, I would in a heartbeat. It's a moot point. Moot point, I know, but I wish I could somehow fill this void I feel when I am not focusing on my kids. I miss them. I want to be the mom I picture I can be. I don't want to miss a thing. My life has assembled itself based on decisions made hoping that I could do the best by my family. I didn't dream big enough. I could have been more, done more, wanted more and made better choices. I believe I still have time to make the best of today. So I go to work tomorrow, hoping I can greet other people's children with patience, enthusiasm, and attention and hoping I have enough left to share with my own when I get back home.