Our second full day of school. All three of us were so tired yesterday. I wa anxious to drop Olivia off the first day of kindergarten. I wanted it to be smooth and free of anxiety. I didn't want to cry. She's got this. I know she does. She is so smart and so full of personality. I know she will be ok. I just want to be present with her. I don't want to rush to the next stage or fear the transitions. I just want to be still and present and enjoy the time. Like you telling me this morning that what used to be sitting Indian style (or criss-cross applesauce in pre-school) is "put your spoons in your bowls" in Mrs. Davis's class. And when you walk into the hall, where Julian used to say "my hands are by my side, I'm standing straight and tall, I'm quietly looking straight ahead, I'm ready for the hall" is now "duck tails" and "bubbles". Little moments. Your Daddy slipping flowers in your room last night to congratulate you on your first day of school... little, meaningful moments.
I know they say it goes so fast but I had no idea until I woke up and walk out the door this morning without seeing Julian. I knew he was up. I had heard him in the shower. But I didn't say "good morning" or "have a good day" or "love you". I tried not to be sad. I mean really, is it that big of a deal? no. It's not. But it is one of those "little, meaningful moments" that seem all the more important now. I was so happy that Julian walked into my class this morning for no real reason. He was hyper and the center of attention and I could kill him sometimes, but I was just so happy to see him. Again... preparing for the days I have come to take for granted, the years in high school where I saw him every day in the halls and I knew he was here, and it made me happy, that will be filled with a void no matter how many other kids are in that hallway.
First and lasts. Tears held the first day and shed now... all because of those little, meaningful moments.
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