Everything Changes

I started this blog a year ago. It was an autumn day when I decided that keeping track of our doings as a family would be a priceless memento somewhere down the line. I'm not sure if that theory holds true. I wonder if either of you will ever reads the words that I write. I doubt it. But I write anyway, with the hope that maybe, one day, this legacy of words will find its way to you and you each will know that this journey we have been on has been quite an enlightening ride.

Things right now are tumultuous. I wish I could say that in a year life has come together and all things are in their place. Instead it seems like the basket of life has tipped over and the contents spread far and wide and I am just trying to pick up the important piece and move forward.

First to Julian. Oh boy. Your senior year has been so challenging so far. You are like water in my hands. I know without a doubt that the tighter I try to hold on to you, the more you slip away. Trying to keep my hand open (and my mouth shut) has been one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered as a parent. You have let me know that my presence at your band competitions is "irrelevant" to you. You tried to explain it and tell me it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings, and I know you were just giving me the honesty I asked for, but my heart has been broken anyway. I know I sound like a martyr when I say I have done everything I could ever possibly do to be there for you ALWAYS and you don't even appreciate it. But I have and you don't. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I know that teenagers push they parents away... but why such a shove?  A friend of your's mom said, "I think mine like my being here," in a text last night while I waited for social media to tell me how your band did in finals at the Contest of Campions in Murfreesboro. (You guys came in fourth overall... The highest placing from UCHS ever at that competition.) I was so proud of you and so deeply sad about not being there. I feel embarrassed that the parents I have been with for three years now see my absence and I am not welcome anymore. I knew hurting my knee would keep me out of the action this year, but I never thought I would be out of the audience. And I know I could have gone anyway and just ignored your words, but I guess I just don't want to force myself not something you love so much. I love you more than that. If you love band and my presence would even begin to cast a shadow on this experience. You say that I only am hurt by this because I always wanted my parents to come to activities and they didn't, but since I always come to yours, you don't need it. And I don't think n you need it. And I try to be thankful that you are so confident in my pride for you that you don't have to have proof. But what you don't understand is that just as I felt rejected as a child when no one wanted to come, I feel rejected as an adult when you don't want me there. I also don't understand how you could be so hurtful with your words. There were only two competitions left. Could you not have just seen my good intentions and let it be? Instead, there is only one competition and senior night... I really do not want to go to either. I don't feel like I am really wanted there and when I feel so out of place, I want to avoid that situation. I understand my own mother so much better now. I thought she was cruel for not having a relationship with my sailings, but now I realize how deep the hurt of rejection from a child can be and how it feels like self-preservation to try to avoid that feeling. I do not want these wounds to become scars, but I am having a really hard time with this. I'm not sure how our relationship will be from here. Awkward and uncomfortable right now. I look forward to you going away to school to just have space between us. It's not that I do not love you, it is possibly that I love you too much.

And then Miss Olivia... You were Top Tornado this quarter at school! That means yo were one of the three best behaved students in your class. That was very exciting and even more exciting when you saw me sitting there after you accepted your award. You got so excited and beamed when you saw me. God knew what he was doing when he gave me another child. I knew I could not be finished being a parent when Julian graduated. I knew I needed you long before I knew how much. But things are not all cheery for you. School is presenting some challenges for you. You asked your teacher to please move you to the "time out" chair on Friday so you could sit by yourself. Though you are friendly and have learned to be very social, you already recognize how distracted you become not only when others talk to you, but even when you are just in close proximity to others when you are trying to work. You said it is "kinda sad and kinda lonely" to sit where you are, but it makes your work so much easier. You say the other kids get finished before you because you get so distracted, but now you will be able to get done. You want to do your best work. You are SO smart. I just hope we can address this focusing problem before it becomes any issue or stigma for you. I pray that our doctor will believe you that there is a problem and not just think I am creating one. I know there is such a controversy to medicating children your age. I feel strongly that you are a candidate. And if it doesn't work, fine. But I don't want to keep going the way things are. And then a note about our family in general. We have never been just rolling in money, but times have been particularly difficult ever since I hurt my knee. Long story short, your(step)dad has decided to take a job in over the road trucking. The financial payoff could be wonderful, but the price it may have to our family or each of us individually may be steep. I don't even know what to think yet. He told me yesterday that this was his decision and he is leaving this Friday. Upheaval seems to be the trend right now. So through it all, I love you both and I strive every day to do whatever it takes to make your lives easier and happier. No parent is perfect and I am learning more and more what a difficult job it can be. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I sure wish I could see how this is all going to work out. Meanwhile, I am steadying my basket and putting things in one at a time... I guess it is a type of harvesting of my own. I have planted seeds, some years and years ago, and now I am seeing the fruit of my labor. How interesting to ponder this on an overcast autumn day.