Olivia is playing in the other room. Well, "cleaning up", but it is hard to clean up toys and not play with them. And one toy leads to the next and then playing is more of a priority than cleaning. When you are six, priorities differ. It is important to remind myself of these priorities when I can. Who cares if it is taking time to clean up the living room? Who cares that she is happy and busy right now and not worried about putting all the right things in all the right places?
Julian is off at MTSU. I do not hear from him often. Anxiety comes and goes as I worry about what he is doing and how he is doing. I know he is so excited about joining Sigma Chi. He is enjoying the freedom. But I am concerned that his classes, responsibilities, and opportunities are all being negatively affected by his new social life. I am learning to let go. I am trying to learn to let him play while he can as long as he remembers that he will have to eventually put all the right things in all the right places.
Meanwhile, I sit in a world of my own where everything is neatly in its place. I stay here because the rest of it seems chaotic. I wait for it to come together so I, too, can enjoy myself. Meanwhile, I clean around me and organize around me and wait for my children to step into my space and share some time with me. I cannot join them without interfering. The disorder, the play before work, causes me so much anxiety. So, I sit in my own world, avoiding, not knowing the right thing to do.
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