Rhythms... seems so simple. Structure, patterns, schedules. We thrive on routine, Olivia and I. And lately we have had no routine and we are both paying the price. Olivia is teary eyed over dinner. She is tired. She wants my attention and affection. She wants books and bed. Poor sweet baby. It is hard to drag yourself through days that drag along. We have done nothing exciting this weekend. Mommy paid bills and cleaned the big bathroom, worked on college information for Julian and then classwork that needed to be done by tomorrow. I know you do not understand why I have chosen to sit at this computer so much today. If you only knew that these papers surrounding me are: essays and tests, memoirs and analysis. The work of my students sits piled in stacks waiting for my attention, my thoughts, my input, my appreciation, just like you. Pulled...
We have had something to do almost every day the last few weeks. Daddy's going and coming back threw us all in a tizzy and stressed filled the air as he tried desperately to quickly find the right solution to the job problems that swirled around him like the wind in the leaves. Everything was tumbling down and piling up around us... debt, worry, resentment, anger, sadness. Daddy tried the best he could to find the right fix while I tried to keep on a straight path and keep marching on.
Well, it is almost a sign of how crazy things have been that I am just now remembering to mention your birthday on Tuesday. You turned 6! (Boy, I am all over the place with point-of-view in this essay.)Last weekend you had a party at your Grandma and Peepaws and then at Aunt Sheila's and Uncle Todd's. Tuesday I joined you in your classroom for cupcakes and then after ballet we celebrated at the Mexican restaurant. Everything was going fine, until they wiped whipped cream on your face as they sang to you in Spanish and placed a sombrero on your head. The whipped cream was an unpleasant surprise, to say the least. The whole celebration seemed to stumble downhill after that. It is amazing that one small inconsiderate act throws you so off kilter. You are my little me, for better and worse. I can only pray you see past those moments of gray to focus on the sunshine behind. It will take work. Maybe I will learn along with you. Maybe I will model the behavior that will make your life easier than mine, and in the process my life will be easier. Maybe...
We saw an audiologist Wednesday. We are beginning the process of having you evaluated for ADD baby girl. I have no doubt you have focusing issues. Tonight we were trying to make your letter to Santa and you could not think of anything besides a balloon, meeting Santa, and a cardboard castle like the one we threw away last year, and that was like pulling teeth. You finally gave up and decided you would rather do that another time. Meanwhile you fidgeted and moved and whew... it was tough! But anyway (maybe I should be tested, too) the audiologist said you had a little bit of lower frequency hearing loss, but she believed it was due to the allergies you have been fighting and your sinuses and ears being at odds. She prescribed a nasal spray and allergy meds and made an appointment for six weeks out. But meanwhile, as you were spinning around and around on your stomach on her stool, she did say she would still pursue ADD testing.
And then this week you have tried to get in a much Daddy time as we could find since I knew he would be leaving for truck driving school this evening. He left without tears and sadness this time. It isn't to Utah, it is only halfway to Memphis. We will see him on Thanksgiving. he will probably be here for Christmas. And it will be a few weeks before he makes the 6-week trek that will complete his training and begin his new career. I know we will miss him. I also know we will make it until he returns. We need him to make this sacrifice to improve our financial situation, thus we need to make the sacrifice of having him away. Who knows what will happen. I have no idea what to expect, so I just breathe and try to slow down... And it comes full-circle to the universe outside us that needs me running and keeping up and the universe inside our family that needs me here, present, now.
I think about this week ahead... tomorrow after running errands, we meet the ADD evaluator and begin the interview process with him. We have to go to Jackson for that, so while we are there, we will go with Julian and hope to find the rest of his outfit for Winter Formal. Tuesday you have a haircut appointment. Wednesday I see Mrs. Marilyn and hopefully get more of this house cleaned so we can put up a tree on Friday, after two Thanksgiving festivities on Thursday. Then, as we settle slowly into the Christmas season, I pray that the outside Universe will slow down to meet our needs.
And now, speaking of Julian... there are no words for how much I love him and how proud I am of him. We visited MTSU and he loved the campus and the Recording Industry -- Audio Programming studios and professor. When I think about his future and the chance he has at following his passion into a career that he loves... I get so excited for him. I wonder if he has any idea that he is on the cusp of his next life. The life after high school, but before family. The life where he can find and be himself and change and adapt and learn and grow and then settle into the existence that will comfort him. He has done it all right up until now. The stars are aligned for his future to shine. I get such a warmth when I think of all that he can aspire to be. He just needs to hold on. He just needs to realize that his universe is going to demand him to run and keep up and he will have to learn to slow down and focus on what is important. As he has worked so very hard this weekend to bring order to his living space, I hope he finds some peace in his surroundings. And then I hope he finds some peace in his soul. And then I hope he dwells in that place as he meets his daily responsibilities.
I love you both.
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