The weekend before we say "goodbye"...

So, this is the last Saturday Julian has at home before he leaves for college. Anticipating this day, I thought I would be sad, devastated actually, but as the day approached I have been ok. Some days, honestly, I was even thankful the day was close at hand. But today, I don't know why, the tears have caught me by surprise and have been flowing unexpectedly on and off all day! At one point I was weeping so deeply that it physically pained me. My heart was aching.

I know I am an emotional person. I cry more easily than most and I hurt for others, as well as myself, with little provocation. Granddaddy says I wear my heart on my sleeve, with a tone that suggests it is a character flaw. Change is scary for me. Anxiety is a constant state that I have been learning to live in rather than have it live my life for me. And guilt and regret are twins that befriended me a long time ago. I have done much to reduce their place in my life, by confrontation and denial; but they are ever ready to travel my journey with me and work to turn my focus to where I have been instead of where I am going. So all of these parts of me are in full force today, shadowing the joy and excitement, the hope and the pride that I also feel existing in this last weekend before we say "goodbye."


I have said "goodbye" many times in my life. Sometimes so I could journey on and sometimes because I could not go where someone else was headed. I am never good at "goodbye." The reality being that every second passing is a goodbye to the one before, and no one has a clue what the next one holds. Yet, times like this give me the desire to come up with the right words, the right actions, the creation of the moment that will embody all that has passed and all that I hope will come. And yet, there is no way. Not for times like this... How do I tell you that you saved my life? How can I tell you that I have never been happier than the times you were happy, and never been more sad than the times you were not? Every decision of consequence in my adult life has included you. Despite knowing that it is a burden no child should have to bear, you have been my everything. And now, you are leaving and though this was the goal, the point of it all, the desired outcome... I would start all over from the very first day and do every single day again with you if that opportunity was available. I made so many mistakes. I didn't know better. And even when I did, I didn't always realize until after the time passed that I would regret my actions or words or both. All I can do is hope that the good outweighed the bad and the future looks back on your childhood kindly. Eloquence is fleeting. Avoidance of these feelings is a stronger desire than delving in to all that is churning inside me right now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe when this transition becomes the norm... Someday I will tell you what I always planned to say as you set out on your own. But today the words are drowning.