New Year's Eve 2013

So, it's all about new beginnings, right? The picture above is one of my favorite new beginnings of all time. My new daughter and a son who would never have to be alone. I realized when my mom was dying that being an only child would be so difficult. Even though my family offered support in some non-traditional ways, they were still there. I realized that Julian would not have anyone when those days come. And for many reasons, that made me sad. I wanted Julian to have someone as a constant, besides me, in his life. I regret the age difference. It is very hard to bond with someone 11 years younger, especially at this point in their lives. So often I see Olivia crave Julian's attention and Julian just pushes her away. She is inconvenient now. I get it. I was always inconvenient growing up. Well, mostly always. No one ever wanted to "play" with me. They were busy. But as we have gotten older, they are not too busy for me anymore. And one day, Julian will make time for Olivia. I believe this.

2013 has been a great challenge. I get sad when I think about the stress that these two kids have had to endure. Julian is aware, and that is hard. Olivia thinks life is just this way, and that is probably harder. I don't want to dwell on 2013 and all that happened, but I will say, I am pretty certain 2014 will not be a repeat. :) It sounds cliche but we really have no where to go but up.

Brad just passed truck driving school. In about three weeks we hope he will start driving for a living. It will change life here at home in good and not so good ways. But we are looking for the best way to improve our finances and reduce our stress. This seems like a very possible option. If I am in prayer for anything right now it is that this route works to a better year and beyond.

We had a new Christmas tradition this year. We opened gifts Christmas Eve and just had Santa before we went to Brad's family's house. It was really nice. It was slow and relaxed. You guys received much more than I realized. And I know I bought more than I needed to. But after so much lack, I needed to give. I have little regret. Times are tough, but our Christmas will not be the reason.

I opened birthday gifts yesterday. I don't usually receive gifts on my birthday. It was nice. Not because of the stuff, but because I felt important. Some years I have felt "forgotten", to be honest. I have always hated my birthday being Dec. 31. presents for Christmas and my birthday, birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper, christmas cards with "PS Happy Birthday." But yesterday was nice. And if I had to celebrate a day early to make it happen, well, I guess that is a concession I am willing to make.

This year will be different. Julian is graduating and heading off to college. Wow. I have no idea what life without him at home will be like. I just hope it begins a journey he truly loves.

Anyway... just a quick note to say, "Here's to new beginnings!" 2014 should bring many. I hope and pray they are good for us all.

Christmas is 10 days away. It has been a different holiday season for us. Most of the decorations are still in the attic, though Julian went a picked a gorgeous tree to decorate. Out image of a tree wrapped in bows and ribbons turned out to be less than that in real life. there have been no church services. I didn't go ring the bell for Salvation Army. Brad has been at driving school for two weeks now, one more to go. No Cantata with the grandparents as your Grandma Daryl was sick. You guys didn't even ask for your elves this year. There will be gifts under the tree. Somehow, we always manage. And there have been nights at home to watch movies (even though we could only all gather for Emmit Otter one evening) but tv shows on Netfix have kept our attention even more. The CD's in the car have not been the choice while driving. It just doesn't seem like Christmas much but things are more relaxed than usual and for that I am grateful. I don't really know what I want to establish as traditions.

Parallel Universes

As I sit here this Sunday evening I wonder how time can creep by so slowly and then I look up and realize that I have no idea where the time has gone. It is one of those late Fall nights when at 5:18 everyone in this house is ready for bed. It is dark outside and in the 20's and there seems nothing to do but crawl up in the covers and wait for the dawning of a new day. Today has been so long. Time has moved so slowly as I have muddled through one small project after the next. My to-do list has become monstrous in the past few weeks when just getting through the day seemed like a huge accomplishment. Today I had to make some headway, so I marked off the little items one by one, hoping to see progress... hoping to build momentum. and though it is only after 5, I know I am almost done for the day. I have lost whatever drive was there to see straight lines crossed through responsibilities. I feel like the autumn rhythm has begun to creep into my being and slow me down. But my outside life does not seem to see the place in the cycle we are in. Inside I fight for the energy to keep up.

Rhythms... seems so simple. Structure, patterns, schedules. We thrive on routine, Olivia and I. And lately we have had no routine and we are both paying the price. Olivia is teary eyed over dinner. She is tired. She wants my attention and affection. She wants books and bed. Poor sweet baby. It is hard to drag yourself through days that drag along. We have done nothing exciting this weekend. Mommy paid bills and cleaned the big bathroom, worked on college information for Julian and then classwork that needed to be done by tomorrow. I know you do not understand why I have chosen to sit at this computer so much today. If you only knew that these papers surrounding me are: essays and tests, memoirs and analysis. The work of my students sits piled in stacks waiting for my attention, my thoughts, my input, my appreciation, just like you. Pulled...

We have had something to do almost every day the last few weeks. Daddy's going and coming back threw us all in a tizzy and stressed filled the air as he tried desperately to quickly find the right solution to the job problems that swirled around him like the wind in the leaves. Everything was tumbling down and piling up around us... debt, worry, resentment, anger, sadness. Daddy tried the best he could to find the right fix while I tried to keep on a straight path and keep marching on.

Well, it is almost a sign of how crazy things have been that I am just now remembering to mention your birthday on Tuesday. You turned 6! (Boy, I am all over the place with point-of-view in this essay.)Last weekend you had a party at your Grandma and Peepaws and then at Aunt Sheila's and Uncle Todd's. Tuesday I joined you in your classroom for cupcakes and then after ballet we celebrated at the Mexican restaurant. Everything was going fine, until they wiped whipped cream on your face as they sang to you in Spanish and placed a sombrero on your head. The whipped cream was an unpleasant surprise, to say the least. The whole celebration seemed to stumble downhill after that. It is amazing that one small inconsiderate act throws you so off kilter. You are my little me, for better and worse. I can only pray you see past those moments of gray to focus on the sunshine behind. It will take work. Maybe I will learn along with you. Maybe I will model the behavior that will make your life easier than mine, and in the process my life will be easier. Maybe...

We saw an audiologist Wednesday. We are beginning the process of having you evaluated for ADD baby girl. I have no doubt you have focusing issues. Tonight we were trying to make your letter to Santa and you could not think of anything besides a balloon, meeting Santa, and a cardboard castle like the one we threw away last year, and that was like pulling teeth. You finally gave up and decided you would rather do that another time. Meanwhile you fidgeted and moved and whew... it was tough! But anyway (maybe I should be tested, too) the audiologist said you had a little bit of lower frequency hearing loss, but she believed it was due to the allergies you have been fighting and your sinuses and ears being at odds. She prescribed a nasal spray and allergy meds and made an appointment for six weeks out. But meanwhile, as you were spinning around and around on your stomach on her stool, she did say she would still pursue ADD testing.

And then this week you have tried to get in a much Daddy time as we could find since I knew he would be leaving for truck driving school this evening. He left without tears and sadness this time. It isn't to Utah, it is only halfway to Memphis. We will see him on Thanksgiving. he will probably be here for Christmas. And it will be a few weeks before he makes the 6-week trek that will complete his training and begin his new career. I know we will miss him. I also know we will make it until he returns. We need him to make this sacrifice to improve our financial situation, thus we need to make the sacrifice of having him away. Who knows what will happen. I have no idea what to expect, so I just breathe and try to slow down... And it comes full-circle to the universe outside us that needs me running and keeping up and the universe inside our family that needs me here, present, now.

I think about this week ahead... tomorrow after running errands, we meet the ADD evaluator and begin the interview process with him. We have to go to Jackson for that, so while we are there, we will go with Julian and hope to find the rest of his outfit for Winter Formal. Tuesday you have a haircut appointment. Wednesday I see Mrs. Marilyn and hopefully get more of this house cleaned so we can put up a tree on Friday, after two Thanksgiving festivities on Thursday. Then, as we settle slowly into the Christmas season, I pray that the outside Universe will slow down to meet our needs.

And now, speaking of Julian... there are no words for how much I love him and how proud I am of him. We visited MTSU and he loved the campus and the Recording Industry -- Audio Programming studios and professor. When I think about his future and the chance he has at following his passion into a career that he loves... I get so excited for him. I wonder if he has any idea that he is on the cusp of his next life. The life after high school, but before family. The life where he can find and be himself and change and adapt and learn and grow and then settle into the existence that will comfort him. He has done it all right up until now. The stars are aligned for his future to shine. I get such a warmth when I think of all that he can aspire to be. He just needs to hold on. He just needs to realize that his universe is going to demand him to run and keep up and he will have to learn to slow down and focus on what is important. As he has worked so very hard this weekend to bring order to his living space, I hope he finds some peace in his surroundings. And then I hope he finds some peace in his soul. And then I hope he dwells in that place as he meets his daily responsibilities.

How do we learn to survive in parallel universes? How do we meet the demands of all those outside of ourselves and still have something left to give to the ones that matter most? How do we learn to save any for ourselves, or when putting ourselves first not drink from a thirst so denied that we do not even leave the dregs?

I love you both.

Everything Changes

I started this blog a year ago. It was an autumn day when I decided that keeping track of our doings as a family would be a priceless memento somewhere down the line. I'm not sure if that theory holds true. I wonder if either of you will ever reads the words that I write. I doubt it. But I write anyway, with the hope that maybe, one day, this legacy of words will find its way to you and you each will know that this journey we have been on has been quite an enlightening ride.

Things right now are tumultuous. I wish I could say that in a year life has come together and all things are in their place. Instead it seems like the basket of life has tipped over and the contents spread far and wide and I am just trying to pick up the important piece and move forward.

First to Julian. Oh boy. Your senior year has been so challenging so far. You are like water in my hands. I know without a doubt that the tighter I try to hold on to you, the more you slip away. Trying to keep my hand open (and my mouth shut) has been one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered as a parent. You have let me know that my presence at your band competitions is "irrelevant" to you. You tried to explain it and tell me it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings, and I know you were just giving me the honesty I asked for, but my heart has been broken anyway. I know I sound like a martyr when I say I have done everything I could ever possibly do to be there for you ALWAYS and you don't even appreciate it. But I have and you don't. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I know that teenagers push they parents away... but why such a shove?  A friend of your's mom said, "I think mine like my being here," in a text last night while I waited for social media to tell me how your band did in finals at the Contest of Campions in Murfreesboro. (You guys came in fourth overall... The highest placing from UCHS ever at that competition.) I was so proud of you and so deeply sad about not being there. I feel embarrassed that the parents I have been with for three years now see my absence and I am not welcome anymore. I knew hurting my knee would keep me out of the action this year, but I never thought I would be out of the audience. And I know I could have gone anyway and just ignored your words, but I guess I just don't want to force myself not something you love so much. I love you more than that. If you love band and my presence would even begin to cast a shadow on this experience. You say that I only am hurt by this because I always wanted my parents to come to activities and they didn't, but since I always come to yours, you don't need it. And I don't think n you need it. And I try to be thankful that you are so confident in my pride for you that you don't have to have proof. But what you don't understand is that just as I felt rejected as a child when no one wanted to come, I feel rejected as an adult when you don't want me there. I also don't understand how you could be so hurtful with your words. There were only two competitions left. Could you not have just seen my good intentions and let it be? Instead, there is only one competition and senior night... I really do not want to go to either. I don't feel like I am really wanted there and when I feel so out of place, I want to avoid that situation. I understand my own mother so much better now. I thought she was cruel for not having a relationship with my sailings, but now I realize how deep the hurt of rejection from a child can be and how it feels like self-preservation to try to avoid that feeling. I do not want these wounds to become scars, but I am having a really hard time with this. I'm not sure how our relationship will be from here. Awkward and uncomfortable right now. I look forward to you going away to school to just have space between us. It's not that I do not love you, it is possibly that I love you too much.

And then Miss Olivia... You were Top Tornado this quarter at school! That means yo were one of the three best behaved students in your class. That was very exciting and even more exciting when you saw me sitting there after you accepted your award. You got so excited and beamed when you saw me. God knew what he was doing when he gave me another child. I knew I could not be finished being a parent when Julian graduated. I knew I needed you long before I knew how much. But things are not all cheery for you. School is presenting some challenges for you. You asked your teacher to please move you to the "time out" chair on Friday so you could sit by yourself. Though you are friendly and have learned to be very social, you already recognize how distracted you become not only when others talk to you, but even when you are just in close proximity to others when you are trying to work. You said it is "kinda sad and kinda lonely" to sit where you are, but it makes your work so much easier. You say the other kids get finished before you because you get so distracted, but now you will be able to get done. You want to do your best work. You are SO smart. I just hope we can address this focusing problem before it becomes any issue or stigma for you. I pray that our doctor will believe you that there is a problem and not just think I am creating one. I know there is such a controversy to medicating children your age. I feel strongly that you are a candidate. And if it doesn't work, fine. But I don't want to keep going the way things are. And then a note about our family in general. We have never been just rolling in money, but times have been particularly difficult ever since I hurt my knee. Long story short, your(step)dad has decided to take a job in over the road trucking. The financial payoff could be wonderful, but the price it may have to our family or each of us individually may be steep. I don't even know what to think yet. He told me yesterday that this was his decision and he is leaving this Friday. Upheaval seems to be the trend right now. So through it all, I love you both and I strive every day to do whatever it takes to make your lives easier and happier. No parent is perfect and I am learning more and more what a difficult job it can be. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I sure wish I could see how this is all going to work out. Meanwhile, I am steadying my basket and putting things in one at a time... I guess it is a type of harvesting of my own. I have planted seeds, some years and years ago, and now I am seeing the fruit of my labor. How interesting to ponder this on an overcast autumn day.

Autumn's Approach

It is hard to focus on the passage of time. It is so overwhelming to me. You guys do so much during each day to make memories, add joy, encourage reflection. It seems I cannot stay in the moment long enough to really absorb how powerful it all is. I am constantly plagued by the idea that I am not present enough. That I should be noticing and noting and preserving all that you say and do, because I know I will forget. You will forget. And in the moments that life does not make sense and I feel like I am failing, I want to be able to pull out a picture or a note and remember the time you...

Julian, you are leaving for college this time next year. It is a full year away, but I am faced with lasts all around me. Sometimes it seems you have already started making your exit. It hurts me to know you don't eat dinner with us anymore, and may never again. It bothers me that family plans are made without even trying to include you, because of course you do not want to participate. I am happy your liife is full and that you seem more ready than ever to move on, but sometimes I cannot help but feel sad that I will be left behind. It is as itr should be. I know this. But I wish I had a few of those moments back. A few more pictures. I wish I had wrote it all down. So when I think back, like now, it would not be with tears at all that has gone by but with happyu memories and the knowledge that more will come.


Olivia, you are the happiest little girl sometimes. You come in so full of energy every single day from kindergarten. You dance and sing. ("The Cup Song" Oh my goodness. I wonder if you will ever remeber the song that had you banging every cup you could get your hands on to a rythym that you heard over and over again on YouTube.) Then there are the times that you say you are having a "darn it" day. Those times when something small has set you spiraling and there seems to be no way to get you turned back around. I worry sometimes that you will see the glass half empty. I also notice that you seem to get only fleeting satisfaction from things. A new movie or toy, an outing, as soon as the newness wears off you are ready for the next thing, event, experience. Maybe this only underlines the need to slow down and focus on the present.

So how do I teach you both to cherish the moments? How do I make sure you are aware of how important each day you have is, each minute of the day?

Little, meaningful moments

Our second full day of school. All three of us were so tired yesterday. I wa anxious to drop Olivia off the first day of kindergarten. I wanted it to be smooth and free of anxiety. I didn't want to cry. She's got this. I know she does. She is so smart and so full of personality. I know she will be ok. I just want to be present with her. I don't want to rush to the next stage or fear the transitions. I just want to be still and present and enjoy the time. Like you telling me this morning that what used to be sitting Indian style (or criss-cross applesauce in pre-school) is "put your spoons in your bowls" in Mrs. Davis's class. And when you walk into the hall, where Julian used to say "my hands are by my side, I'm standing straight and tall, I'm quietly looking straight ahead, I'm ready for the hall" is now "duck tails" and "bubbles". Little moments. Your Daddy slipping flowers in your room last night to congratulate you on your first day of school... little, meaningful moments.

I know they say it goes so fast but I had no idea until I woke up and walk out the door this morning without seeing Julian. I knew he was up. I had heard him in the shower. But I didn't say "good morning" or "have a good day" or "love you". I tried not to be sad. I mean really, is it that big of a deal? no. It's not. But it is one of those "little, meaningful moments" that seem all the more important now. I was so happy that Julian walked into my class this morning for no real reason. He was hyper and the center of attention and I could kill him sometimes, but I was just so happy to see him. Again... preparing for the days I have come to take for granted, the years in high school where I saw him every day in the halls and I knew he was here, and it made me happy, that will be filled with a void no matter how many other kids are in that hallway.

First and lasts. Tears held the first day and shed now... all because of those little, meaningful moments. 

Summer ending...

Today is the last day of summer vacation for me. Teachers go back to work on Monday. I always feel sad and excited when this time comes.

I am especially sad this year as I know my summers will never be the same. Julian will graduate this year and Olivia will start kindergarten. I wonder if we will ever have a summer vacation again, as a family. For years we vistied my dad in Florida for a few weeks, but the last two years we did not. Last year we had been on a cruise to Mexico as a family in the Spring and this year, my knee and finances were still on the mend. Looking back, I wish I would have been down anyway. Those years wll be behind us now. I knew this day would come, but I still am not prepared. The future with Julian is so up in the air. Who knows what summer 2014 will hold.

But I am excited. Olivia is so ready for kindergarten in Mrs. Davis's class. And Julian is beginning his bittersweet journey into his senior year. I could not be more proud of both of them. I have smart, opinionated, strong, independent, compasionate, loyal kids. I cannot wait to celebrate this year of firsts and lasts with both of them.

Finally, I am excited for me. I am looking forward to this new year. I had so much time off last year and this summer to reassess what I wanted out of my life an my career. I have heard from so many of my past students who motivate and encourage me and remind me why I chose this profesion. I want to be that teacher again. I want that energy again. I want to make a difference again. I'm ready to put in the time, energy, and love to get back the joy I had my first years of teaching.

And so it begins...

Summer Time and the Living is Easy

Life at our house this summer is just relaxing, well as relaxing as it gets for us. LOL Due to falling and breaking my knee in March, our whole lives have been a bit turned up side down. My ability to mobilize is limited (though getting better all the time) and our finances are almost as restrictive due to all the time I have had off without pay. The result is a "staycation"right here in Union City, TN. And truly, it is boring as anything! But this boredom is forcing us all to sit back and just fill time with cleaning, technology and coloring books, and good old fashioned time on the porch.I think we are all a bit disappointed that things have worked out the way they have, but it is giving me time to think about the future and what I want to put in action for days to come. I just cannot see this being all there is. I want more for me and my kids. I want to see my dad and step-mom, and Laura and the girls, and even my siblings (despite the stress there). I want to be prepared for the bumps to come, so they do not stop us again. I like being able to GO. It may be easier this way, but who wants easy when the other choice is more fun? :)