Little, meaningful moments

Our second full day of school. All three of us were so tired yesterday. I wa anxious to drop Olivia off the first day of kindergarten. I wanted it to be smooth and free of anxiety. I didn't want to cry. She's got this. I know she does. She is so smart and so full of personality. I know she will be ok. I just want to be present with her. I don't want to rush to the next stage or fear the transitions. I just want to be still and present and enjoy the time. Like you telling me this morning that what used to be sitting Indian style (or criss-cross applesauce in pre-school) is "put your spoons in your bowls" in Mrs. Davis's class. And when you walk into the hall, where Julian used to say "my hands are by my side, I'm standing straight and tall, I'm quietly looking straight ahead, I'm ready for the hall" is now "duck tails" and "bubbles". Little moments. Your Daddy slipping flowers in your room last night to congratulate you on your first day of school... little, meaningful moments.

I know they say it goes so fast but I had no idea until I woke up and walk out the door this morning without seeing Julian. I knew he was up. I had heard him in the shower. But I didn't say "good morning" or "have a good day" or "love you". I tried not to be sad. I mean really, is it that big of a deal? no. It's not. But it is one of those "little, meaningful moments" that seem all the more important now. I was so happy that Julian walked into my class this morning for no real reason. He was hyper and the center of attention and I could kill him sometimes, but I was just so happy to see him. Again... preparing for the days I have come to take for granted, the years in high school where I saw him every day in the halls and I knew he was here, and it made me happy, that will be filled with a void no matter how many other kids are in that hallway.

First and lasts. Tears held the first day and shed now... all because of those little, meaningful moments. 

Summer ending...

Today is the last day of summer vacation for me. Teachers go back to work on Monday. I always feel sad and excited when this time comes.

I am especially sad this year as I know my summers will never be the same. Julian will graduate this year and Olivia will start kindergarten. I wonder if we will ever have a summer vacation again, as a family. For years we vistied my dad in Florida for a few weeks, but the last two years we did not. Last year we had been on a cruise to Mexico as a family in the Spring and this year, my knee and finances were still on the mend. Looking back, I wish I would have been down anyway. Those years wll be behind us now. I knew this day would come, but I still am not prepared. The future with Julian is so up in the air. Who knows what summer 2014 will hold.

But I am excited. Olivia is so ready for kindergarten in Mrs. Davis's class. And Julian is beginning his bittersweet journey into his senior year. I could not be more proud of both of them. I have smart, opinionated, strong, independent, compasionate, loyal kids. I cannot wait to celebrate this year of firsts and lasts with both of them.

Finally, I am excited for me. I am looking forward to this new year. I had so much time off last year and this summer to reassess what I wanted out of my life an my career. I have heard from so many of my past students who motivate and encourage me and remind me why I chose this profesion. I want to be that teacher again. I want that energy again. I want to make a difference again. I'm ready to put in the time, energy, and love to get back the joy I had my first years of teaching.

And so it begins...

Summer Time and the Living is Easy

Life at our house this summer is just relaxing, well as relaxing as it gets for us. LOL Due to falling and breaking my knee in March, our whole lives have been a bit turned up side down. My ability to mobilize is limited (though getting better all the time) and our finances are almost as restrictive due to all the time I have had off without pay. The result is a "staycation"right here in Union City, TN. And truly, it is boring as anything! But this boredom is forcing us all to sit back and just fill time with cleaning, technology and coloring books, and good old fashioned time on the porch.I think we are all a bit disappointed that things have worked out the way they have, but it is giving me time to think about the future and what I want to put in action for days to come. I just cannot see this being all there is. I want more for me and my kids. I want to see my dad and step-mom, and Laura and the girls, and even my siblings (despite the stress there). I want to be prepared for the bumps to come, so they do not stop us again. I like being able to GO. It may be easier this way, but who wants easy when the other choice is more fun? :)

New Year's Eve 2012

Hallelujah!!! We have made it to 2013. I have made it to 40. The 30s are behind me. I'm not sad, I am excited. I want the next ten years to be the blossoming of all I have learned in these growing seasons. I want to be the role model, mother, woman, and person that make my children proud. Olivia began my day by rewrapping a paper of used stickers in a large box for my birthday gift. I thanked her profusely and then she went and got me a candy cane pen and a plain yellow pencil. Then I got hugs and more kisses and an encouragement to go thank her daddy because he helped her get that together for me. Then she was clingy and right beside me as she realized I would be going on a birthday date with my husband and she would be left at home. She did not understand how I could possibly want to go out with her dad when she was at home. Her wonderful brother watched her for a few hours so Brad and I could go out. Though it is hard right now to cuddle up to a porcupine, I love my son and was so proud of both of them as he bragged on her when we returned. Tonight I love having Ryne over with Julian to ring in 2013. I always wanted a house full of kids and I love when he invites friends over. Olivia, you wanted to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation again as we ordered pizza and spent the night as a family at home tonight. You fell sound asleep before you could even sing happy birthday to me or eat pie. But you did eventually wake up and watch, eat half a piece of pie, and call it quits. My 40th birthday was wonderful. I love my family and the life we live. It hasn't been easy, but it will get easier. 2013 will be better. Quick funny Olivia: you always say you are apricot, not white, due to the crayon you use to color people. Your teacher, Mrs. Dawn, is very tan. You say she is a brown person. So I tried to explain she is white, but just spends time in the sun. And in a very indignant way you say to me, "She celebrates Kwanzaa." Where do you get this stuff? Funny as it is, who write this stuff for you? You crack me up. I thank both of my children and my husband for keeping me laughing. I need them, more than they know. Maybe I can work on telling them more in 2013!

Tis the season...

December is here and time is flying by. Things have been pretty stressful and I have found myself wishing this month away. Money is tight and I am having a hard time remembering it is not about the gifts we are able to give (for me it has never been about receiving). If I could give you kids your every hearts' desire, I would, even knowing it would not be best for you in the long run to always have everything you want. But I just want you to be happy and sometimes the easiest path to that is "stuff". It is the easiest way to make you smile and watch you be excited. I know in my heart that you can be happy without a lot of things... And this year we will just have to put that to the test. It will still be nice and it will still be fun, but it will be small and it will be just us. And we will be free to change traditions if we want to. I am trying to think of the best way for THIS family to celebrate. Do we open gifts at night and sleep in on Christmas? That would be a gift. Maybe open all but what Santa brings before we go to bed and then open just Santa presents in the morning? Would going to Mass on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning be a new tradition to start? Olivia and I can go to church and let the boys sleep and then open Santa when we get home? There is no one to ask. No one else to consider. It is just us and we can do whatever we want. What do we want to do? What will keep stress at bay? I know that I would like to start a tradition of sitting down Christmas night and writing thank-you notes before we go to bed. What better way to end a day than expressing our gratitude for all we have received? So as the holiday comes and plans are being made, I will try to keep in mind that what really matters is that we have time to enjoy each other. That we celebrate our family. That we express our gratitude. When I can keep this focus, the gifts under the tree seem less important. Maybe this is the year to replace THINGS with MEMORIES.

Birthday Party 1

Today we celebrated Olivia's 5th birthday with Brads family at his mom's house. I have been preparing and anticipating this lunch for 13 all week. I'm so thankful for how loving and generous Brad's family can be. They always make it seem that there is no where they would rather be than together. Olivia received wonderful gifts at her party. She loved every single thing she opened. The McKenna doll, Princess and the Popstar Barbies, Sqinkies, and books. What is there NOT to love? She said quietly, as if just to say it whether anyone else could hear or not, "I really wanted this." She was genuinely thankful and absorbed. I was very proud of her. And Julian is such a good big brother. He accommodates her and entertains her. He is sociable with the adults. He is a very easy kid to like. :) In the van, Olivia has taken to listening to an old JoDee Messina CD with the song "You Belong in the Sun" on it. Julian and I smiled listening to her sing at the top of her lungs. I love my kids.

Halloween...

So this is my beautiful Monarch Butterfly

Julian as Dipsy

And Robbie, the headless horseman

How blessed am I to have these kids in my life? Julian, despite his teenage years; Robbie who I wish the word nephew could better describe; and Olivia , who is just non-stop.

I took the day off to celebrate with Olivia at school, we went to vote, we went to Grandma's, we went to Mass, ate dinner and Trunk or Treated. I was exhausted. Olivia was not.

After 30 minutes of giggling and talking I tried to get Olivia to settle down and sleep and she asked if she could climb in my bed and I could scratch her back. Within 3 minutes she was sound asleep.

I remember that comfort. Even after my mom was diagnosed, one night I laid over her footstool and she scratched my back. Neither of us said a word. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't want to say goodbye to her. I didn't know how. So I let her comfort me, because sometimes only a mom can.

I hope I always will answer the requests for a back scratch, a hug, a cuddle, or just a touch. I miss that from my mom. I missed out on many of those moments with Julian, though sometimes he will walk out of his room behind me and touch my hair. I value those moments as priceless today.