New Year's Eve 2012

Hallelujah!!! We have made it to 2013. I have made it to 40. The 30s are behind me. I'm not sad, I am excited. I want the next ten years to be the blossoming of all I have learned in these growing seasons. I want to be the role model, mother, woman, and person that make my children proud. Olivia began my day by rewrapping a paper of used stickers in a large box for my birthday gift. I thanked her profusely and then she went and got me a candy cane pen and a plain yellow pencil. Then I got hugs and more kisses and an encouragement to go thank her daddy because he helped her get that together for me. Then she was clingy and right beside me as she realized I would be going on a birthday date with my husband and she would be left at home. She did not understand how I could possibly want to go out with her dad when she was at home. Her wonderful brother watched her for a few hours so Brad and I could go out. Though it is hard right now to cuddle up to a porcupine, I love my son and was so proud of both of them as he bragged on her when we returned. Tonight I love having Ryne over with Julian to ring in 2013. I always wanted a house full of kids and I love when he invites friends over. Olivia, you wanted to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation again as we ordered pizza and spent the night as a family at home tonight. You fell sound asleep before you could even sing happy birthday to me or eat pie. But you did eventually wake up and watch, eat half a piece of pie, and call it quits. My 40th birthday was wonderful. I love my family and the life we live. It hasn't been easy, but it will get easier. 2013 will be better. Quick funny Olivia: you always say you are apricot, not white, due to the crayon you use to color people. Your teacher, Mrs. Dawn, is very tan. You say she is a brown person. So I tried to explain she is white, but just spends time in the sun. And in a very indignant way you say to me, "She celebrates Kwanzaa." Where do you get this stuff? Funny as it is, who write this stuff for you? You crack me up. I thank both of my children and my husband for keeping me laughing. I need them, more than they know. Maybe I can work on telling them more in 2013!

Tis the season...

December is here and time is flying by. Things have been pretty stressful and I have found myself wishing this month away. Money is tight and I am having a hard time remembering it is not about the gifts we are able to give (for me it has never been about receiving). If I could give you kids your every hearts' desire, I would, even knowing it would not be best for you in the long run to always have everything you want. But I just want you to be happy and sometimes the easiest path to that is "stuff". It is the easiest way to make you smile and watch you be excited. I know in my heart that you can be happy without a lot of things... And this year we will just have to put that to the test. It will still be nice and it will still be fun, but it will be small and it will be just us. And we will be free to change traditions if we want to. I am trying to think of the best way for THIS family to celebrate. Do we open gifts at night and sleep in on Christmas? That would be a gift. Maybe open all but what Santa brings before we go to bed and then open just Santa presents in the morning? Would going to Mass on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning be a new tradition to start? Olivia and I can go to church and let the boys sleep and then open Santa when we get home? There is no one to ask. No one else to consider. It is just us and we can do whatever we want. What do we want to do? What will keep stress at bay? I know that I would like to start a tradition of sitting down Christmas night and writing thank-you notes before we go to bed. What better way to end a day than expressing our gratitude for all we have received? So as the holiday comes and plans are being made, I will try to keep in mind that what really matters is that we have time to enjoy each other. That we celebrate our family. That we express our gratitude. When I can keep this focus, the gifts under the tree seem less important. Maybe this is the year to replace THINGS with MEMORIES.

Birthday Party 1

Today we celebrated Olivia's 5th birthday with Brads family at his mom's house. I have been preparing and anticipating this lunch for 13 all week. I'm so thankful for how loving and generous Brad's family can be. They always make it seem that there is no where they would rather be than together. Olivia received wonderful gifts at her party. She loved every single thing she opened. The McKenna doll, Princess and the Popstar Barbies, Sqinkies, and books. What is there NOT to love? She said quietly, as if just to say it whether anyone else could hear or not, "I really wanted this." She was genuinely thankful and absorbed. I was very proud of her. And Julian is such a good big brother. He accommodates her and entertains her. He is sociable with the adults. He is a very easy kid to like. :) In the van, Olivia has taken to listening to an old JoDee Messina CD with the song "You Belong in the Sun" on it. Julian and I smiled listening to her sing at the top of her lungs. I love my kids.

Halloween...

So this is my beautiful Monarch Butterfly

Julian as Dipsy

And Robbie, the headless horseman

How blessed am I to have these kids in my life? Julian, despite his teenage years; Robbie who I wish the word nephew could better describe; and Olivia , who is just non-stop.

I took the day off to celebrate with Olivia at school, we went to vote, we went to Grandma's, we went to Mass, ate dinner and Trunk or Treated. I was exhausted. Olivia was not.

After 30 minutes of giggling and talking I tried to get Olivia to settle down and sleep and she asked if she could climb in my bed and I could scratch her back. Within 3 minutes she was sound asleep.

I remember that comfort. Even after my mom was diagnosed, one night I laid over her footstool and she scratched my back. Neither of us said a word. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't want to say goodbye to her. I didn't know how. So I let her comfort me, because sometimes only a mom can.

I hope I always will answer the requests for a back scratch, a hug, a cuddle, or just a touch. I miss that from my mom. I missed out on many of those moments with Julian, though sometimes he will walk out of his room behind me and touch my hair. I value those moments as priceless today. 

A teenager's tears

Just a few minutes ago I said goodnight to my 16 year old and he had been crying. The emotion I usually see from him is apathy, or frustration... But tonight his high school marching band performed a community exhibition before their last contest of the season this weekend in Jonesboro. For the seniors it may be the last night they march on their home field. For my junior son it is the beginning of "lasts" for his senior friends and I think it may have him thinking that his "lasts" are right around the corner. I cried tonight watching them march because Julian looked so good, the band looked fantastic, and next year it will all be over. Julian has been my world since his birth. I have done all of this with him. And next year he will be planning to go on without me... His tears and mine are the same. And I am so thankful he loves it all enough to grieve the chapter coming to an end...

The best and worst of being Olivia

Today Olivia was going to join our newly formed Children's Choir. She showed up to the first practice and walked in and didn't know a soul. Her preschool is in our church, but of the nine kids in her class, I think only two are Catholic and only Olivia attends at Immaculate Conception. So, I tried to warn her as she walked in that this was not like singing for Chimes for Charity with her class. I told her she probably would not know anyone, and she might be the youngest, but she just wanted to sing... So off we went. And as soon as she saw the bigger kids that were all strangers, and even the littler kids who she had only seen once or twice at Vacation Bible School, she immediately retreated into my side, tears falling, saying, "But I'm shy!" I tried to give her a choice, get up and try it or come back when she was a little bigger. She just stood there sobbing. Finally, I gathered her to leave. She was devastated. "But I'll do it mommy. I promise." I broke her heart bringing her in the house where she went straight to her bed and wailed. I felt so bad for her. So, I dug out the wonderful book Leo the Late Bloomer about a lion who could do all he wanted to do in good time. I explained that she was like Leo and that she would bloom at just the right time. It seemed to make her feel better. She asked to read it again and we did. When we were done we started talking about her very loose tooth. We joked about which one of us would pull it and laughed and played. The next thing you know, she comes running into the kitchen tooth in hand. Eyes smiling, giggles slipping through where that tooth used to be...she had to run first and show her brother.

After showing Aunt Sam and dictating a note that asked for a toy rather than money (to which the Tooth Fairy responded she only had cash, maybe next time) she settled down (kinda)  and was ready for bed. Then she remembered she had to ask the Tooth Fairy to leave the tooth. She would like to make a necklace... Whatever

Tonight I am thankful for the laughter and learning after the tears. I am grateful that no sad moment can trump a preschooler with a tooth in hand.

4 is hard.
14 is hard.
A few months from 40 is hard...

But I know none of this will last forever... The best or the worst

Fall Break is Over...

As I sit here tonight, I want to hold on to every moment of this time. The last few days have reminded me how wonderful being at home with my kids can be. Taking Olivia to and from school is such a blessing. To get those chances to see her run in ready to play and learn and to pick her up and get that bright eyed, light up he room smile because she saw me, ME. How could someone love me so much? Hours on the playground with her friends Jonathan and Jackson and their mom and dad. What a wonderful family to share an afternoon with! She learned to pump her legs on the swings, crack pecans, and jump from one picnic table to another. And best of all, I was there to see it. Anyone who knows me knows I lean "a little" to the liberal side. And I firmly believe every women needs to decide whether to be at home or at work. With Julian I worked so hard. I was willing to sacrifice his early years to get a degree and a good job to spend time with him in his teens. I do not regret a single moment of now with him, but until Olivia, I never knew how much I missed. My mom saw him grow every day. They had such an amazing relationship. She was enthralled by him. There is something about these pre-k years that make every day so new and exciting. It makes me sad to know I missed this time with Julian. It makes me sad to know I am missing so much of this time with Olivia. If I could afford to be at home now, I would in a heartbeat. It's a moot point. Moot point, I know, but I wish I could somehow fill this void I feel when I am not focusing on my kids. I miss them. I want to be the mom I picture I can be. I don't want to miss a thing. My life has assembled itself based on decisions made hoping that I could do the best by my family. I didn't dream big enough. I could have been more, done more, wanted more and made better choices. I believe I still have time to make the best of today. So I go to work tomorrow, hoping I can greet other people's children with patience, enthusiasm, and attention and hoping I have enough left to share with my own when I get back home.