Knowing the right thing to do...

Olivia is playing in the other room. Well, "cleaning up", but it is hard to clean up toys and not play with them. And one toy leads to the next and then playing is more of a priority than cleaning. When you are six, priorities differ. It is important to remind myself of these priorities when I can. Who cares if it is taking time to clean up the living room? Who cares that she is happy and busy right now and not worried about putting all the right things in all the right places?

 Julian is off at MTSU. I do not hear from him often. Anxiety comes and goes as I worry about what he is doing and how he is doing. I know he is so excited about joining Sigma Chi. He is enjoying the freedom. But I am concerned that  his classes, responsibilities, and opportunities  are all being negatively affected by his new social life. I am learning to let go. I am trying to learn to let him play while he can as long as he remembers that he will have to eventually put all the right things in all the right places.

Meanwhile, I sit in a world of my own where everything is neatly in its place. I stay here because the rest of it seems chaotic. I wait for it to come together so I, too, can enjoy myself. Meanwhile, I clean around me and organize around me and wait for my children to step into my space and share some time with me. I cannot join them without interfering. The disorder, the play before work, causes me so much anxiety. So, I sit in my own world, avoiding, not knowing the right thing to do.

The weekend before we say "goodbye"...

So, this is the last Saturday Julian has at home before he leaves for college. Anticipating this day, I thought I would be sad, devastated actually, but as the day approached I have been ok. Some days, honestly, I was even thankful the day was close at hand. But today, I don't know why, the tears have caught me by surprise and have been flowing unexpectedly on and off all day! At one point I was weeping so deeply that it physically pained me. My heart was aching.

I know I am an emotional person. I cry more easily than most and I hurt for others, as well as myself, with little provocation. Granddaddy says I wear my heart on my sleeve, with a tone that suggests it is a character flaw. Change is scary for me. Anxiety is a constant state that I have been learning to live in rather than have it live my life for me. And guilt and regret are twins that befriended me a long time ago. I have done much to reduce their place in my life, by confrontation and denial; but they are ever ready to travel my journey with me and work to turn my focus to where I have been instead of where I am going. So all of these parts of me are in full force today, shadowing the joy and excitement, the hope and the pride that I also feel existing in this last weekend before we say "goodbye."


I have said "goodbye" many times in my life. Sometimes so I could journey on and sometimes because I could not go where someone else was headed. I am never good at "goodbye." The reality being that every second passing is a goodbye to the one before, and no one has a clue what the next one holds. Yet, times like this give me the desire to come up with the right words, the right actions, the creation of the moment that will embody all that has passed and all that I hope will come. And yet, there is no way. Not for times like this... How do I tell you that you saved my life? How can I tell you that I have never been happier than the times you were happy, and never been more sad than the times you were not? Every decision of consequence in my adult life has included you. Despite knowing that it is a burden no child should have to bear, you have been my everything. And now, you are leaving and though this was the goal, the point of it all, the desired outcome... I would start all over from the very first day and do every single day again with you if that opportunity was available. I made so many mistakes. I didn't know better. And even when I did, I didn't always realize until after the time passed that I would regret my actions or words or both. All I can do is hope that the good outweighed the bad and the future looks back on your childhood kindly. Eloquence is fleeting. Avoidance of these feelings is a stronger desire than delving in to all that is churning inside me right now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe when this transition becomes the norm... Someday I will tell you what I always planned to say as you set out on your own. But today the words are drowning.

The summer slips quietly away...

It's been a quiet summer. We have had more of these lately since traveling home to FL for extended visits has not been on our agenda. We've come a very, very long way since last summer. We were able to enjoy some time at home, accomplish much that has been left undone for too long, and had a chance to just relax. Julian is only a few weeks from his new life as an MTSU Blue Raider. It is really hard to believe this first phase of his life is coming to an end. I love him so much and am so proud of him. It was not always easy, but it could have been so much worse, so many times. I have my regrets, but more than anything I have so much pride that I can say I was the best parent I could be when I had the mind to choose. I changed my life to make his better, and though I did not adjust seamlessly, being a mother became my greatest joy and my highest goal. I am not sure what my place will be in his life moving forward, but I hope I always have a place. I will miss him more than I can imagine today, I am sure. But I am so very excited for him. If he continues to follow his passions and dreams, I trust that he will make a wonderful life for himself. Each person has to make his own way, his own mistakes, but I earnestly pray that Julian will avoid the biggest ones that I made to establish a better foundation for when the storms do arise. Olivia, sweet Olivia, what a challenge and joy you are. Each day I worry as the summer passes that you will not have the same memories that Julian has had. Julian can look back to time with my mom, who had endless patience with him. Julian and I would spend summers in Florida living a life of luxury courtesy of aunts and uncles and my dad and step-mom. I know it is no one's fault that we no longer have the close relationships that provide those opportunities. Time passes, I have stayed away so long, it is just a result of choices that have added up to us being in TN. I feel like I have already lived a life with Julian and as that life changes, my new life with you is just beginning. It will be so different, without my mom or my family around, but it will be ok. I will make a life for us that keeps us happy. I have to start over, again, and make wiser choices. I have to see the big picture and know that this your first time around. You cannot be shaped by the past, for better or worse. There are just some things you may never know. I just have to learn how to do it on my own. I may be married and from a big family and in an area where people are around, but ultimately it is the two of us. I didn't plan it this way, but this is what it is. And I am ok with this. It is a new chance to live the life I have most loved again -- being a mom. I just have to learn to plan and provide for opportunities for us to make our memories -- wherever that may be. Things are not the same the second time around. Brad is driving across country. His desire to provide financially for us has literally taken him on a trip far away from us for extended periods of time. Right now, we see him monthly for a few days at a time. Unfortunately, the promises made to him with this job have just not come true. As time passes, we are learning to settle into this new life. It is chaotic right now. I have no idea what the next week or the next month hold. But I know we keep making it one day at a time. And this journey is so exhausting and so stressful that sometimes I am not loving the trucker's family life. But, I still love the trucker, despite the difficulties. I just want to believe that times will get easier. If I keep making small steps in the right direction and do not give up, eventually I will get to where we need to be. When all our needs are met, I can begin to do something about planning and providing for our futures. It is hard to think in terms of family right now as mine is scattered everywhere but here. But I chose to believe that for whatever reason I have been given the family I have, it is mine for a reason. And I will do the best I can with the situation I have lived myself in to. Ten days until school begins. Ten days until we jump on the train that will deliver me to my 12th year of teaching, Olivia to her year of first grade, and Julian to his freshmen year of college. The momentum grows as we rumble through the next 10 months... school starting, birthdays, holidays, good days, bad days, mini-breaks, that will all take us on our separates tracks until next year when we all come back together again, different, changed, but renewed because there will always be a home for us to return to and a family unit to which we belong. Meanwhile, the summer slips quietly away...

Time Frames

The middle of summer break before Olivia goes too first grade and Julian goes to college at MTSU. It is hard to imagine the firsts and lasts that are happening right under my nose. As much as I try to be conscious of the day to day events in our lives, it seems the more I try to "capture" the moments, they elude me. Like trying to hold tightly to a handful of water...

I see Olivia growing and changing and wonder what will happen next. As she begins this next year of school, I know we have to be aware of potential. We have to learn how she learns and I have to learn how to teach her. Looking for the ability within both of us and trusting that those who know more than I do will listen to us, to her, and provide guidance. If her brain does not process input typically, we have to learn about atypical processing. When I tried to wait and see what school would bring to her, I was not surprised that her teacher mentioned some concerns. What I expected and what we found was hard to wrap my mind around. I feel like I opened Pandora's box with the honest intentions of not making the same mistakes twice. I am thankful to know that I am in tune enough with her to know there is some concern. I am sad that there was any validity to my fear. And I am afraid of the future...even the good news can be a challenge.

We have to learn to make a team with whomever is willing to be in our lives to help. And I know we need to begin weeding out those that refuse to be part of the solutions to avoid future problems. I know this may not be the easiest transition for us, but, I do believe this is a crossroads we must face. I have already met so much resistance and very few even know what is really going on. I have to address this head on with some of the people in our lives and explain. There is time for acceptance and time for understanding, but there is no time for denial or dismissiveness. I fear losing close friends over this, but I am really hoping that will not be the case. I am positive, no matter what, that we will end up exactly where we are supposed to be surrounded by the people we need.

I guess change will be the theme for the next few months. Julian will be leaving August 22 to begin a new life. The emotion that wells up even while typing those words is overwhelming. It is not just sadness, though it is some of that. It is also excitement, fear, pride, and anticipation of both the good and the bad. Julian has been my reason for absolutely everything I have done since 1995. He has been the foremost priority in ever decision, every move, every justification for all I have done, right and wrong. What will I do without my other half around? I do not remember life before my son. And as much as I thought that another child would ease the discomfort of this time, I have learned one child could never replace, or take the place, of another. Julian will always be the first person that I was able to love without fear of losing. I know he will probably never come back to Union City to live. I hope his education opens doors to a career in his passion. I hope that he goes wherever that passion leads him. And though I cannot follow him on this journey, I do believe he will always take us where he goes. Things will never be the same after this summer. But I have to trust that this is his path and I have prepared him to the very best of my ability. I think I've done a good job. He had a great start with my mom, and though I never was able to create the "perfect" family for him, I gave him all I could. I hope he benefitted from my good choices and learned from the bad ones. I believe with all my heart that his life will be more successful than even the dreams I have for him.

And me... I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that I will be here until next summer. I love my job and I hope my school system lives up to my ideals and provides for the needs of my daughter. They will only have a year to prove they are willing, there is only so much time I can sacrifice in her education. Brad and I have a lot of work to do in the next eleven months. We have a time frame and a goal. Healthy and Happy. I hope that I can work on other aspects of my life to make this new life one that will benefit everyone.

A year is a long time...

A year ago today I was getting ready to take Olivia and chaperone our cheerleaders as we traveled to the first of three games towards the state tournament. As I was going to bed that night, the next day was going to be exciting and fun.

By the next morning my entire world changed. I just mis-stepped. I was moving too fast and lost my balance and fell. People fall all the time and they get right back up. I just fell. And then I realized that my leg was not really facing the right way. I was embarrassed and  people came over and started asking if I was ok, I just wanted to get up. So I tried. I put all my weight on my left knee to get up, and then I heard that sound that haunts me to this day. It was a crushing sound. Immediately I knew there was a problem. But at that point it was all surreal. People were swarming and asking me question, I was looking for someone to watch Olivia, I kept having to tell that officer my name, over and over again. As they carried me down the gymnasium steps to a gurney on the court, I was just so worried the players would see me and get distracted. And then I was taken to an ambulance. What?!? How in world did it become this big of a deal? I just fell. And they told me on the ambulance that they would straighten my leg at the hospital. So I did it, rather than dread it. I couldn't feel anything. It didn't even hurt. No big deal, right?!? I just needed an X-ray. It was dislocated, right? I tore a tendon??? no. I broke my kneecap (patella, I learned) in half, then shattered the bottom quarter (so that was the crushing sound) and tore away the patella tendon. I heard ACL, MCL.. everything was damaged, bruised, just not right. And so it began...

I could write a novel about the next 365 days... that is nothing anyone would want to read. Suffice it to say, it was horrible.

After a year, I look back and can see how this moment at the game has changed everything. Absolutely everything. There is not one area of my life that was not affected. And even with a year of perspective, I cannot see where anything good has come out of it. I am a different person now in so many ways and I cannot say any of it has made me better.

I spent days, weeks, months, lying around thinking there was something to learn from this. The lesson of gratitude, allowing others to help me, how important my health is, how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life... but I am anything but grateful, people get tired of helping, my health is hard to be excited about when I still cannot walk correctly or depend on my leg for strength or balance, and the people in my life as kind and well-intentioned as they may be) have no idea at all how big of a deal his STILL is to me.

I am not healed, mentally or physically, from this accident. I am damaged, depressed, and defeated. and I feel guilty that this anniversary is anything but something to celebrate. And I started to blog about it to purge these feelings and reassess my point of view, but I can't. I am not ready. I do not want to deal with any of this. I am angry and upset, still. A year is a long time... but not long enough...