A teenager's tears

Just a few minutes ago I said goodnight to my 16 year old and he had been crying. The emotion I usually see from him is apathy, or frustration... But tonight his high school marching band performed a community exhibition before their last contest of the season this weekend in Jonesboro. For the seniors it may be the last night they march on their home field. For my junior son it is the beginning of "lasts" for his senior friends and I think it may have him thinking that his "lasts" are right around the corner. I cried tonight watching them march because Julian looked so good, the band looked fantastic, and next year it will all be over. Julian has been my world since his birth. I have done all of this with him. And next year he will be planning to go on without me... His tears and mine are the same. And I am so thankful he loves it all enough to grieve the chapter coming to an end...

The best and worst of being Olivia

Today Olivia was going to join our newly formed Children's Choir. She showed up to the first practice and walked in and didn't know a soul. Her preschool is in our church, but of the nine kids in her class, I think only two are Catholic and only Olivia attends at Immaculate Conception. So, I tried to warn her as she walked in that this was not like singing for Chimes for Charity with her class. I told her she probably would not know anyone, and she might be the youngest, but she just wanted to sing... So off we went. And as soon as she saw the bigger kids that were all strangers, and even the littler kids who she had only seen once or twice at Vacation Bible School, she immediately retreated into my side, tears falling, saying, "But I'm shy!" I tried to give her a choice, get up and try it or come back when she was a little bigger. She just stood there sobbing. Finally, I gathered her to leave. She was devastated. "But I'll do it mommy. I promise." I broke her heart bringing her in the house where she went straight to her bed and wailed. I felt so bad for her. So, I dug out the wonderful book Leo the Late Bloomer about a lion who could do all he wanted to do in good time. I explained that she was like Leo and that she would bloom at just the right time. It seemed to make her feel better. She asked to read it again and we did. When we were done we started talking about her very loose tooth. We joked about which one of us would pull it and laughed and played. The next thing you know, she comes running into the kitchen tooth in hand. Eyes smiling, giggles slipping through where that tooth used to be...she had to run first and show her brother.

After showing Aunt Sam and dictating a note that asked for a toy rather than money (to which the Tooth Fairy responded she only had cash, maybe next time) she settled down (kinda)  and was ready for bed. Then she remembered she had to ask the Tooth Fairy to leave the tooth. She would like to make a necklace... Whatever

Tonight I am thankful for the laughter and learning after the tears. I am grateful that no sad moment can trump a preschooler with a tooth in hand.

4 is hard.
14 is hard.
A few months from 40 is hard...

But I know none of this will last forever... The best or the worst

Fall Break is Over...

As I sit here tonight, I want to hold on to every moment of this time. The last few days have reminded me how wonderful being at home with my kids can be. Taking Olivia to and from school is such a blessing. To get those chances to see her run in ready to play and learn and to pick her up and get that bright eyed, light up he room smile because she saw me, ME. How could someone love me so much? Hours on the playground with her friends Jonathan and Jackson and their mom and dad. What a wonderful family to share an afternoon with! She learned to pump her legs on the swings, crack pecans, and jump from one picnic table to another. And best of all, I was there to see it. Anyone who knows me knows I lean "a little" to the liberal side. And I firmly believe every women needs to decide whether to be at home or at work. With Julian I worked so hard. I was willing to sacrifice his early years to get a degree and a good job to spend time with him in his teens. I do not regret a single moment of now with him, but until Olivia, I never knew how much I missed. My mom saw him grow every day. They had such an amazing relationship. She was enthralled by him. There is something about these pre-k years that make every day so new and exciting. It makes me sad to know I missed this time with Julian. It makes me sad to know I am missing so much of this time with Olivia. If I could afford to be at home now, I would in a heartbeat. It's a moot point. Moot point, I know, but I wish I could somehow fill this void I feel when I am not focusing on my kids. I miss them. I want to be the mom I picture I can be. I don't want to miss a thing. My life has assembled itself based on decisions made hoping that I could do the best by my family. I didn't dream big enough. I could have been more, done more, wanted more and made better choices. I believe I still have time to make the best of today. So I go to work tomorrow, hoping I can greet other people's children with patience, enthusiasm, and attention and hoping I have enough left to share with my own when I get back home.

Windy Fall Days

Today was a windy fall day. The kind where the howling and creaking remind you that Halloween is just around the corner. I love to watch the Japanese maple in the front yard and the young oak in the back participate in Nature's crazy dance. Nature is so beautiful and POWERFUL. Olivia got a sunflower seed from Julian today. She marched outside it her short, sleeveless princess nightie, her white fleece, hooded jacket, and her dress sandals, armed with a spoon from the kitchen drawer to plant that thing. She came back the first time because she forgot the seed. The second time she pranced in she needed water. On her third trip out the door, Dixie cup from the bathroom sink in hand, I was memorized. Fighting the gale force winds, she kneeled under that oak and planted that sunflower seed right next to the marigolds. Walking back at a full tilt against the wind she climbed the back steps just as I took a picture. What a moment. A child's love is so innocent and DETERMINED. She just knows with a little work and a lot of faith that seed will produce something beautiful. I know that seed will never produce a plant. But it has already given. How priceless to see me daughter try so hard to accomplish something worthwhile and altruistic! My kids teach me lessons every single day. That oak tree was a gift just days after my mother died. It was given by close friends with whom I have since lost touch. But that ground is still so full of love. Amazing. There is a cycle to everything. This Florida girl has learned a lot about the seasons since moving to Tennessee. I'm learning about love all over again. To everything there is a season...

Why not now?

As I live with great intentions, I know I am busy living my life with my children and I rarely remember to chronicle those moments.

I have such an inspiration in a former co-worker, Litsa Jackson (litsajacksonandfamily@blogspot.com). She cherishes her family in WORD and deed. Her Our Legacy project fuels my desire to jot it all down.

My eldest is sixteen. Julian is so much of who I have become. I wish I would have chronicled the journey. We took an amazing trip to this place in time. And now that he is a junior in high school, I feel like it is all going too fast, slipping away too soon. What I wouldn't give to start over and do it all again with my little boy...

And then there is Olivia. My four year old. She is so much more than I ever could have imagined. One day I may recount the way in which we decided that we needed another child, but suffice it to say, we made a partially informed decision. :) She makes me laugh every single day. She is loving and compassionate (just like her brother) but still young enough to express it. As I come to terms with Julian passing into adulthood, I find solace in the fact that I get to do it all again with Olivia.

I don't want this blog to be an autobiography. I want it to be a textual snapshot of the typical days that make me love my kids so much. My hope is that they read it someday. If anyone else does in the meantime, more blessings for me.

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