The summer slips quietly away...

It's been a quiet summer. We have had more of these lately since traveling home to FL for extended visits has not been on our agenda. We've come a very, very long way since last summer. We were able to enjoy some time at home, accomplish much that has been left undone for too long, and had a chance to just relax. Julian is only a few weeks from his new life as an MTSU Blue Raider. It is really hard to believe this first phase of his life is coming to an end. I love him so much and am so proud of him. It was not always easy, but it could have been so much worse, so many times. I have my regrets, but more than anything I have so much pride that I can say I was the best parent I could be when I had the mind to choose. I changed my life to make his better, and though I did not adjust seamlessly, being a mother became my greatest joy and my highest goal. I am not sure what my place will be in his life moving forward, but I hope I always have a place. I will miss him more than I can imagine today, I am sure. But I am so very excited for him. If he continues to follow his passions and dreams, I trust that he will make a wonderful life for himself. Each person has to make his own way, his own mistakes, but I earnestly pray that Julian will avoid the biggest ones that I made to establish a better foundation for when the storms do arise. Olivia, sweet Olivia, what a challenge and joy you are. Each day I worry as the summer passes that you will not have the same memories that Julian has had. Julian can look back to time with my mom, who had endless patience with him. Julian and I would spend summers in Florida living a life of luxury courtesy of aunts and uncles and my dad and step-mom. I know it is no one's fault that we no longer have the close relationships that provide those opportunities. Time passes, I have stayed away so long, it is just a result of choices that have added up to us being in TN. I feel like I have already lived a life with Julian and as that life changes, my new life with you is just beginning. It will be so different, without my mom or my family around, but it will be ok. I will make a life for us that keeps us happy. I have to start over, again, and make wiser choices. I have to see the big picture and know that this your first time around. You cannot be shaped by the past, for better or worse. There are just some things you may never know. I just have to learn how to do it on my own. I may be married and from a big family and in an area where people are around, but ultimately it is the two of us. I didn't plan it this way, but this is what it is. And I am ok with this. It is a new chance to live the life I have most loved again -- being a mom. I just have to learn to plan and provide for opportunities for us to make our memories -- wherever that may be. Things are not the same the second time around. Brad is driving across country. His desire to provide financially for us has literally taken him on a trip far away from us for extended periods of time. Right now, we see him monthly for a few days at a time. Unfortunately, the promises made to him with this job have just not come true. As time passes, we are learning to settle into this new life. It is chaotic right now. I have no idea what the next week or the next month hold. But I know we keep making it one day at a time. And this journey is so exhausting and so stressful that sometimes I am not loving the trucker's family life. But, I still love the trucker, despite the difficulties. I just want to believe that times will get easier. If I keep making small steps in the right direction and do not give up, eventually I will get to where we need to be. When all our needs are met, I can begin to do something about planning and providing for our futures. It is hard to think in terms of family right now as mine is scattered everywhere but here. But I chose to believe that for whatever reason I have been given the family I have, it is mine for a reason. And I will do the best I can with the situation I have lived myself in to. Ten days until school begins. Ten days until we jump on the train that will deliver me to my 12th year of teaching, Olivia to her year of first grade, and Julian to his freshmen year of college. The momentum grows as we rumble through the next 10 months... school starting, birthdays, holidays, good days, bad days, mini-breaks, that will all take us on our separates tracks until next year when we all come back together again, different, changed, but renewed because there will always be a home for us to return to and a family unit to which we belong. Meanwhile, the summer slips quietly away...