The middle of summer break before Olivia goes too first grade and Julian goes to college at MTSU. It is hard to imagine the firsts and lasts that are happening right under my nose. As much as I try to be conscious of the day to day events in our lives, it seems the more I try to "capture" the moments, they elude me. Like trying to hold tightly to a handful of water...
I see Olivia growing and changing and wonder what will happen next. As she begins this next year of school, I know we have to be aware of potential. We have to learn how she learns and I have to learn how to teach her. Looking for the ability within both of us and trusting that those who know more than I do will listen to us, to her, and provide guidance. If her brain does not process input typically, we have to learn about atypical processing. When I tried to wait and see what school would bring to her, I was not surprised that her teacher mentioned some concerns. What I expected and what we found was hard to wrap my mind around. I feel like I opened Pandora's box with the honest intentions of not making the same mistakes twice. I am thankful to know that I am in tune enough with her to know there is some concern. I am sad that there was any validity to my fear. And I am afraid of the future...even the good news can be a challenge.
We have to learn to make a team with whomever is willing to be in our lives to help. And I know we need to begin weeding out those that refuse to be part of the solutions to avoid future problems. I know this may not be the easiest transition for us, but, I do believe this is a crossroads we must face. I have already met so much resistance and very few even know what is really going on. I have to address this head on with some of the people in our lives and explain. There is time for acceptance and time for understanding, but there is no time for denial or dismissiveness. I fear losing close friends over this, but I am really hoping that will not be the case. I am positive, no matter what, that we will end up exactly where we are supposed to be surrounded by the people we need.
I guess change will be the theme for the next few months. Julian will be leaving August 22 to begin a new life. The emotion that wells up even while typing those words is overwhelming. It is not just sadness, though it is some of that. It is also excitement, fear, pride, and anticipation of both the good and the bad. Julian has been my reason for absolutely everything I have done since 1995. He has been the foremost priority in ever decision, every move, every justification for all I have done, right and wrong. What will I do without my other half around? I do not remember life before my son. And as much as I thought that another child would ease the discomfort of this time, I have learned one child could never replace, or take the place, of another. Julian will always be the first person that I was able to love without fear of losing. I know he will probably never come back to Union City to live. I hope his education opens doors to a career in his passion. I hope that he goes wherever that passion leads him. And though I cannot follow him on this journey, I do believe he will always take us where he goes. Things will never be the same after this summer. But I have to trust that this is his path and I have prepared him to the very best of my ability. I think I've done a good job. He had a great start with my mom, and though I never was able to create the "perfect" family for him, I gave him all I could. I hope he benefitted from my good choices and learned from the bad ones. I believe with all my heart that his life will be more successful than even the dreams I have for him.
And me... I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that I will be here until next summer. I love my job and I hope my school system lives up to my ideals and provides for the needs of my daughter. They will only have a year to prove they are willing, there is only so much time I can sacrifice in her education. Brad and I have a lot of work to do in the next eleven months. We have a time frame and a goal. Healthy and Happy. I hope that I can work on other aspects of my life to make this new life one that will benefit everyone.
